Promises, promises.

You can tell that I’m supposed to be writing an essay by the fact that I’m writing in my blog. As I never got round to writing one of last year’s many essays, I’ve decided to essentially ‘retake’ it, and do another in the holidays. Naturdally, this decision was made with the best intentions. However, the less than scintillating question (“How did the Punic Wars shape Rome’s policy of Imperialism?”) and the fact that I’ve got used to lazing about and not using my brain for anything more strenuous than reading a novel have meant that I haven’t even started. I’m kind of dreading it- I feel like not only have I forgotten everything I learnt last year, but even as I’ve been writing this, I’ve had to think how to spell words. Perhaps all my fears are coming true that once I stop writing, I lose any skills I once had?

I like a feature on livejournal, actually. I’ve seen it on Rachael’s blog before- ‘writer’s block’. It’s basically a question, given by livejournal, to provide bloggers with a prompt. It seems like something which would actually get me writing, and I’m thinking about referencing them into my entries here from now on. Although it wouldn’t be half as seamless as if I transferred to a livejournal blog, I far prefer wordpress and I’m thinking about moving this journal over to a domain name which I own (andgreyskies.com), if I can work out how to. I expect I’l have far more to write about when I’m back at university, as opposed to a holiday spent lurking on the internet and looking forward to seeing people.

However, I’ve started my ‘photo-a-day’ project, which can be found at http://42for365.deviantart.com. I’ve just about managed to keep it up so far, but I worry that my photographs are low-quality and just taken because I don’t want to give up, rather than actually helping me to improve or displaying anything interesting. Perhaps if I keep it up I’ll gradually grow to learn to actually take my camera out with me, rather than having to rely on my phone.

I sometimes wonder if there’s any point me having this any more if I never write in it.

Welcome back, perhaps?

I have resolved to write in here again. But, for some reason, keeping any kind of diary seems to be so much harder when I’m happy, however much spare time I have. Spare time is something I have a lot of at the moment, as I haven’t been able to find a job when I’ve had the motivation to look. Most of the time is spent moping around the house, looking forward to seeing my boyfriend again, spending time with Matt when he’s not at work or seeing his boyfriend, or every week or so going to drink with my school friends. It’s developed into an odd routine, and I although I could probably find some work, it just feels like too much effort. I’ve also got an essay to do which I’ve made the single concession towards of going to the local library to attempt to order in some books- only two of which they had copies of which they could order in. It’s ridiculous.

I went to Budapest for a week with one of the societies at my university, and you can see some of my photographs on flickr here. Apart from that, and having Giles stay with me for a while, I haven’t really done much with my holiday. Naturally I’ve had interesting things happen, but I seem to have lost those at some point. Perhaps an enforced blogging would bring things back?

I’m also probably going to begin the ‘photo-a-day’ project sometime soon, and those will most likely be uploaded.

Here in your arms…

I’ve had “Here in Your Arms” by Hellogoodbye stuck in my head for the past few days. It’s never been my favourite or theirs, but it’s growing on me. Perhaps its because I’m all soppy and loved up and the sun is shining?

Despite the love and the sunshine, exams are still looming over my head like a gigantic raincloud. I don’t think I’ve ever revised properly for exams before these, and now I think I’m going way into the other direction. I’ve calmed down since going to London, but after revising for nine hours solidly, I think I’m taking it too far. The worst thing will be if I fail after revising this much. I’m worried about Latin, so worried that I think I’m actually developing a phobia to it. I feel sick when I even look at the folder, let alone open it. Again, I think this goes back to what I’ve discussed so bloody many times that I’m sure any readers I have left are sick and tired of it. If I don’t try and fail, then I’m lazy. If I try and fail, I’m stupid and a failure. Trying for the last Latin test and still not even managing to get 40% , although I’ll never admit it in anything but a textbox, made me so upset that I wanted to quit university on the spot.

To put it bluntly; if I fail this year at university, I’m not trying again. For one thing, I know that I can’t afford it. My parents have said that they aren’t prepared to support me if I fail, and that’s reasonable enough. There’s no way that I can support myself on loans alone. I’d have to get a full-time job as well as studying, which would inevitably lead to me burning out and ending up under a train somewhere. I don’t know what I will do. I know that I’m intelligent, I know that I should be able to pass- in fact, I know that I should almost certainly pass my other modules. It’s this stupid, stupid Latin which will bring me down. I have to smile at the thought of a dead language killing someone, but at least I’d go out with a laugh.

Diverting from that dark alleyway of thought, I’ve got a lot of things to look forward to at the moment. After exams have finished, I have a long summer ahead of me, which will hopefully be spent in the company of friends and loved ones. I’ve also got a few parties already to go to after exams, and the thought that I’ll be 1/3 through my degree! My holiday to Budapest is also something I’m looking forward to, although I’m a little apprehensive- but then, I always am when visiting somewhere I’ve never been before. And perhaps I won’t get ID’d so damn much when I’m nineteen!

It doesn’t feel like nearly a year since my eighteenth birthday. This time last year I was..

• talking about starsigns and the little things of my life (http://andgreyskies.wordpress.com/2007/06/01/cest-fantastique/)
• and listing what I wanted for my birthday (http://andgreyskies.wordpress.com/2007/06/02/birthday-capitalism/)

Well, I’m still a Gemini, I’ve discussed my life of the moment- revision, oh joy! But I don’t know what I want for my birthday. Nice wads of cash, I guess, but then who wouldn’t like that? I don’t really care about birthday presents in the sense that I want people to give me lots. It’s nice to know someone’s thinking about you, but it doesn’t need a gift to prove that. I must be the most low-maintenance friend/ girl-friend.

This time last year I was in a relationship with Michael, which seems weird to think now. Although I enjoyed going out with him, it was nowhere near perfect, now I think back on it. In the end, having him break up with me has made me realise that I need to be less of a push-over a lot of the time. I was a push over for what must have been the whole of our relationship. I can only recall one time when I actually got annoyed with him for something- standing me up twice in a row, I believe. This is not to say he took advantage of it- Michael’s still a great friend and high in my estimations- but I can’t believe the things I put up with. The whole Ashleigh situation, which I am not going into right now, for example. Giles has only made me cry once or twice, I think, in the whole of our relationship, and I can be a veritable fountain at times. Michael however… well, I don’t think I cried in front of him 80% of the time, but I spent a fair time by myself upset, like the little emo kid I am. This is painting a bad picture of Michael, but I think what I’m trying to say is that not being such a push-over has made this relationship so much better. Or perhaps Giles and I are awesome, and that’s the reason things are so good. I think I’ll go with the second hypothesis.

Talking about relationships, in the past few months I seem to have had some weird phase of being (shock) attractive to people. I must have mentioned Ben, but it seems that a few other people seem to have had crushes on me. I know I’m not hideous, but I’m no Helen. Odder still, all of the people interested in me (that I’m not in a relationship with), I’d turn down. Hilariously, it seems that I attract the nerdy-nerdy types. Perhaps it’s the glasses or the touchscreen phone or the fact when you google my name, I’m the first hit? Anyway, although I do tend to go for some nerdy guys, it’s going more towards the hipster-nerd type. I also like personal hygiene, which some (cough cough) of those who seem to be interested in me don’t.

Ugh. Anyway, before I get more bitchy, I’m going to bed. Last night I stayed up til 6am tidying my pigsty of a room, and I intended to get to bed at 2 tonight- something which has failed miserably, 1030 words later although I’m in pyjamas.

Short but sweet.

Suffice to say, the past two days were worth the lack of revision, worth the travelling, worth all the responsibilities I’ve put off.

I never like to write good things down here, perhaps because it always seems to jinx them somehow. But I want to write it. (suffice to say) I love him, and it’s fantastic.

Fin. <3

Exams and a mini-trip :3

My first exam is finished! I had a two hour exam in ‘Introduction to Greek and Roman History’ today, after spending hours each day revising it for the past week or so. It didn’t go too badly in my opinion- the questions are fairly simple, standard essay questions and they were on a nice wide range of topics. I can’t remember what exact questions I answered, as I seem to have some kind of post exam memory loss, whereby I can’t remember what I wrote or answered properly. One was about the role of the metropolis, one about the effects of Julius Caesar’s assassination, and the last was about whether I’d rather be a citizen of Rome or Athens (Athens, duh!). I think that I did best on the Julius Caesar question, as that was the most recent topic I had revised, so was freshest in my mind. The only bad things about the exam was the freezing cold sports hall it was held in and the fact I now have so many non-revision things to catch up with. Roll on the 13th, when exams are over!

I’ve got a good few days lined up- tonight, I’m going out for a friend’s birthday, and tomorrow, Giles and I are going to London for two days! I can’t wait for tomorrow, and it’s turned into some kind of holiday in my mind. We’ve made too many plans as usual, but we had such a good time when he visited me in the holidays that I’m sure it will be great. I’m not so enthusiastic about the trains though- I like Virgin, but he’s chosen some strange service running from Leamington Spa to Marylebone. It’s longer too. But, I’ll cope, and I guess it’s a good excuse to do some revision.

Anyway, I need to go to Tesco and get some change so that I can do some washing. I’ll update after the London trip!

Angry loose ends.

I’ll attack the loose ends in this entry- suffice to say, I didn’t apologise. I received twenty three emailed invoices in my inbox, demanding £25. One would have been reasonable, and I may have considered it if not for this comment; “Please pay the appropriate amount for my time, and perhaps we can move on from this nonsense”. I refuse to pay someone for friendship. It doesn’t work that way. And spamming up my inbox isn’t exactly the most mature thing to do.

Anyway, I didn’t reply to it, being at first angry, and then distracted by real life things- friends, revision, relationships, etcetera. This afternoon, I checked my deviantart account for messages and saw the following note;

” I’ll ask for my money one last time.

Don’t forget that I know where you live and all of your phone numbers. Please do not anger me. Regardless of whether or not we patch up this silliness later on, let us move past this first, please. Thank you. If you would like, I’ll send the invoice again.

Skyler”

It frustrates me that he can’t address this like a reasonable person, or perhaps this his idea of reasonable. One thing I don’t appreciate is barely veiled threats. He wants to run a business when he is older- you can’t base a legitimate business on threats which verge on blackmail. Well- not one anybody in their right mind is going to use. When someone turns to things like this, they can’t be trusted, in my opinion. I’m going to change the passwords to a lot of my online accounts- this blog, facebook, deviantart and so on- because who knows what he’ll do? I wouldn’t put blatent sabotage past him. More so, what’s he going to do with “all [my] phone numbers” and my address? Call my parents and tell them that I’m not paying him for his frankly, now unwelcome, work on a website? Guess who’ll they’ll believe… oh wait. Me. The fact that I’ve told them about the argument and told my dad not to use Skyler’s webdesign company because he’s an idiot won’t bias them towards my opinion, nor will the nasty email he sent me, and the messages from then on.

I replied with a message saying that I can’t really afford to spend excess money (true) at the moment and will reconsider when I get some money through, mainly to placate him. However, the more I think about it, the more tempting it is to say to him- do your worst. He can rack up his phone bill calling me, and waste his money on postage stamps all I care. I’m not sure I even want to be friends with someone who would stoop to threats, someone who evidently doesn’t know me well enough to know that I’m a pushover, bluntly. If he’d said “sorry, we both said some stupid things, why don’t we start speaking again, and did you want me to finish your site”, he probably would have had his precious few pounds by now and I wouldn’t be half-so-bloody-angry about the whole situation. All he’s done is made me resent him further, and support the things which I said in an angry and tired mood about capitalism. He refused to ‘agree to disagree’ and instead turned to insults and threats. So. For now, fuck him. I’ve got better things to worry about.

Humidity

Oh. I’m being cryptic again.

To cut a long story short, I argued with a friend, and now he has contacted me to, basically ask for money for a site he made for me as a friend. The last contact we had, was about two months ago, where just after the argument, he sent me a nasty email.

And now, I can either lay things on the line or keep my pride. I can say that I miss him, that I’m sorry- that I would have apologised so many times had I thought he would have listened. Or I can keep being cold, keep trying to push him into apologising to me, keep acting as though it bothers me as little as it evidently bothers him. Part of me thinks that if I just put aside my pride, we can just revert back to how we were. But then, I remember what he said in the email, the finality of it, and the fact that he may not accept my apology. I can put these things aside, put his many bad points aside (arrogance, self-centred nature, obsession with material wealth…) for the myriad good points. To type them here would be to trivialise them. But I can’t put aside the fact that I’m almost convinced that he would laugh me off, and cut his losses, so to say. My friends, better ones, advised me to do the same.

I don’t know what to do. Humidity complicates and confuses, and I doubt that I’ll be able to sleep much tonight.

Tidy.

This evening, I have resolved to tidy my room to within an inch of its life.

I’m not a tidy person, by nature. I envy those who have a place for everything and the willpower to keep everything neat and wonderful. My room is a chaos of clothes, bags, half-finished projects, mugs, technology, tablets, wrappers and hair products. Mess to me is like iron filings to a magnet. It just appears. It’s not even as though I’ve grown up in a messy house. My parents like things to be averagely tidy, and my sister is almost ocd about it. Her room is the polar opposite to mine. No keeping a bottle because it has sentimental value, oh no. She wants lines and clear surfaces and a bin emptied twice a day.

But, I’m trying to break my bad habits, one by one. And my room shall be so tidy, my cleaner will faint. And I shall post before and after photographs.

Things I have done today

1. Learnt what my optical prescription means, and laughed at how different my eyes are.
2. Searched for travel insurance, and realised how ridiculously specific and exclusive insurance terms and conditions are.
3. Taken a bath, in which I; shaved my legs, read a fair amount of Stephen Fry’s biography, and washed my hair.
4. Lost my glasses, and after a short panic in which I thought they had been thrown out with the trash and I would have to buy a new pair, found them inside a leg of my jeans.
5. Taken two Anadin Extra, also known as “magic pills”- not only for their ability to make headaches go faaaaar away, but because the minsicule caffeine in them makes me both hyperactive and very sensitive (hurr < comment for Giles’ benefit and general luls).
6. Eaten an apple and drank a cup of mint tea. Who needs food when one has caffeine and the internet?
7. Finaaaallly written some semblance of a blog.

On point number seven, I have resolved to start blogging again, but perhaps under another name. I’ve probably discouraged all readers from this due to my erratic and lazy posting, so there are less people I personally know reading it. I do admire people like Alex, for example; he keeps up an honest blog, posting frequently and honestly, despite the reams of ‘fans’ and people who know him. Also, as he states every so often- it’s a ‘diary’ rather than a ‘blog’. Sadly, I’m terribly taken by the idea of writing to an audience. Even in my private diaries when I was younger, I used to write to myself- with the knowledge that I would read back over them. And indeed I did. Adding corrections and little notes saying what actually happened, with the date written beside them. For example, I may have written about being in love with someone, with a later note saying we had broken up and I was devastated or whatever, with a later correction saying that in hindsight, he was a bit of an idiot and I just had a crush. The point I’m trying to make is that writing for an audience comes naturally when I’m writing an entry. Even if that audience is only going to be a future me, laughing at how I overreact and get the wrong end of the stick.

Of course, the fact that this is public, unlike the very private diaries I had as a kid- to date, only one other person has looked through them, and that was Matt- means that I naturally have to censor some things. For example, I’m hesitant to write about anything to do with sex, in case my gran stumbles across this and so on. Likewise, I think there are virtues to keeping things concerning my relationship to myself. I know that Giles reads this, as has said that he doesn’t mind if I write about him, but I’m sure he’d rather some details were kept to just us!

And it’s at this point I realise I’m harping on about the same bloody topic which I have done for the past few months worths of entries.

I think it’s time for me to include another list. Perhaps I should chalk “making excessive lists” onto my list of  “odd caffeine side effects”. Oh wait.

Things I have gained since I last wrote a proper blog;

1. An admirer. The same girl whom I apparently stole Giles from and who he (and I’m hesitant to use this word) cheated on me with, now detests him and has a “girl crush” on me. Oh joy. Do not ask me why, but I’m sure it’s not down to my awesome blogging skills or my incredible looks.
2. Skinny jeans. Grey ones. And an odd desire to dress like an late 90s emo kid. Pin badges, track jackets and converse, watch out! Although I’m not allowed a lip piercing.
3. An LG Viewty. Sex-ay. I’ve had it for a few months now, and as more people get them, it gets less attention. At first, it was a case of people staring on buses as I jabbed at the screen and going “ooh, is that the new Viewty touch-screen thing?”. I’m still maintaining that touch screens are the way of the future.
4. Weight. I’m not so pleased about this one. I need to start playing DDR again.
5. Asthma! Another thing I’m not overjoyed about. I may have mentioned it briefly, but I’m still wondering why it has only just appeared. It’s an inconvenience which the novelty has thoroughly worn off of.
6. Minus money. I am experiencing being in debt currently, and it’s not very enjoyable.

Debt. I’m lucky it’s an interest free student overdraft, but I’m only getting deeper and deeper into it. Therefore, the hunt for a job has begun, although I can’t really get one before the end of my exams. If I don’t find something in the Summer, it’s going to be pretty miserable. I’ve applied for a working-from-home style thing, rewriting reviews. Hopefully, something will come of that and I can at least pay off my overdraft before next year starts. I’m past caring what I get in the holidays, to an extent. I’m just going to apply almost everywhere and by the laws of probability, somewhere must want me. Sadly, by the laws of Charlotte’s-bad-luck, it’s more likely I will have a repeat of Octopus last summer. To cut a long story short, I was called for an interview, a trial day, and basically told I was a shoe-in for the job to never hear from them again, despite trying to call and get hold of someone. And this leads onto another list (are you sensing a theme yet?);

Things which have recently made me upset;

1. The aforementioned debt.
2. Losing a friend. Skyler and I had an argument, a ridiculous one about capitalism, which resulted in me signing off and him sending a nasty email to me which made it clear that he didn’t want to speak to me. He backed up this point further by removing me from his contact list on msn, and his friends on facebook. I miss him like anything sometimes, but he’s made his point clear.
3. Having my period. Oh my god, I remember why I take three packs of pills together. Men are fucking lucky.
4. Losing my glasses this morning. I had something in between a panic and asthma attack and cried before I found them. Somehow, everything seems worse when I can’t see.
5. Latin. If I fail, don’t be so suprised.

Let’s Go

Let’s run away away away away away.

(Suddenly, I find that I don’t want to sleep when I can’t be sleeping next to you.)