I’ve had “Here in Your Arms” by Hellogoodbye stuck in my head for the past few days. It’s never been my favourite or theirs, but it’s growing on me. Perhaps its because I’m all soppy and loved up and the sun is shining?
Despite the love and the sunshine, exams are still looming over my head like a gigantic raincloud. I don’t think I’ve ever revised properly for exams before these, and now I think I’m going way into the other direction. I’ve calmed down since going to London, but after revising for nine hours solidly, I think I’m taking it too far. The worst thing will be if I fail after revising this much. I’m worried about Latin, so worried that I think I’m actually developing a phobia to it. I feel sick when I even look at the folder, let alone open it. Again, I think this goes back to what I’ve discussed so bloody many times that I’m sure any readers I have left are sick and tired of it. If I don’t try and fail, then I’m lazy. If I try and fail, I’m stupid and a failure. Trying for the last Latin test and still not even managing to get 40% , although I’ll never admit it in anything but a textbox, made me so upset that I wanted to quit university on the spot.
To put it bluntly; if I fail this year at university, I’m not trying again. For one thing, I know that I can’t afford it. My parents have said that they aren’t prepared to support me if I fail, and that’s reasonable enough. There’s no way that I can support myself on loans alone. I’d have to get a full-time job as well as studying, which would inevitably lead to me burning out and ending up under a train somewhere. I don’t know what I will do. I know that I’m intelligent, I know that I should be able to pass- in fact, I know that I should almost certainly pass my other modules. It’s this stupid, stupid Latin which will bring me down. I have to smile at the thought of a dead language killing someone, but at least I’d go out with a laugh.
Diverting from that dark alleyway of thought, I’ve got a lot of things to look forward to at the moment. After exams have finished, I have a long summer ahead of me, which will hopefully be spent in the company of friends and loved ones. I’ve also got a few parties already to go to after exams, and the thought that I’ll be 1/3 through my degree! My holiday to Budapest is also something I’m looking forward to, although I’m a little apprehensive- but then, I always am when visiting somewhere I’ve never been before. And perhaps I won’t get ID’d so damn much when I’m nineteen!
It doesn’t feel like nearly a year since my eighteenth birthday. This time last year I was..
- talking about starsigns and the little things of my life (http://andgreyskies.wordpress.com/2007/06/01/cest-fantastique/)
- and listing what I wanted for my birthday (http://andgreyskies.wordpress.com/2007/06/02/birthday-capitalism/)
Well, I’m still a Gemini, I’ve discussed my life of the moment- revision, oh joy! But I don’t know what I want for my birthday. Nice wads of cash, I guess, but then who wouldn’t like that? I don’t really care about birthday presents in the sense that I want people to give me lots. It’s nice to know someone’s thinking about you, but it doesn’t need a gift to prove that. I must be the most low-maintenance friend/ girl-friend.
This time last year I was in a relationship with Michael, which seems weird to think now. Although I enjoyed going out with him, it was nowhere near perfect, now I think back on it. In the end, having him break up with me has made me realise that I need to be less of a push-over a lot of the time. I was a push over for what must have been the whole of our relationship. I can only recall one time when I actually got annoyed with him for something- standing me up twice in a row, I believe. This is not to say he took advantage of it- Michael’s still a great friend and high in my estimations- but I can’t believe the things I put up with. The whole Ashleigh situation, which I am not going into right now, for example. Giles has only made me cry once or twice, I think, in the whole of our relationship, and I can be a veritable fountain at times. Michael however… well, I don’t think I cried in front of him 80% of the time, but I spent a fair time by myself upset, like the little emo kid I am. This is painting a bad picture of Michael, but I think what I’m trying to say is that not being such a push-over has made this relationship so much better. Or perhaps Giles and I are awesome, and that’s the reason things are so good. I think I’ll go with the second hypothesis.
Talking about relationships, in the past few months I seem to have had some weird phase of being (shock) attractive to people. I must have mentioned Ben, but it seems that a few other people seem to have had crushes on me. I know I’m not hideous, but I’m no Helen. Odder still, all of the people interested in me (that I’m not in a relationship with), I’d turn down. Hilariously, it seems that I attract the nerdy-nerdy types. Perhaps it’s the glasses or the touchscreen phone or the fact when you google my name, I’m the first hit? Anyway, although I do tend to go for some nerdy guys, it’s going more towards the hipster-nerd type. I also like personal hygiene, which some (cough cough) of those who seem to be interested in me don’t.
Ugh. Anyway, before I get more bitchy, I’m going to bed. Last night I stayed up til 6am tidying my pigsty of a room, and I intended to get to bed at 2 tonight- something which has failed miserably, 1030 words later although I’m in pyjamas.
