blah blah blah.

I have been dashing around all over the place in the last week or so, and enjoying it. One thing I can say about this holiday is that it has been less than restful. I’m working five days a week, and the two days which I have off are spent seeing people and going out, as are some of the evenings after work. I don’t really like talking about my life here, in that I feel that I will bore people if I go on like “oh I did this and this and this and then I did that”. Also, I find it hard to remember all the details as I’m doing so much.

I’ve had Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off this week, which has been good. Three days in a row makes it feel more like a holiday, somehow, rather than just a scattered day here or there. Yesterday, I went to London with Matt, for shopping and the Troc (as usual!). I enjoyed it, and spent a lot of money. I had spent the morning in Romford, as I had an optician’s appointment, which I shockingly got to in time. I was in an odd mood early in the day, as it had started in a bad way. My mother woke me up by shouting and screaming about the fact I had apparently borrowed her deodorant and not put it back, which led on the the fact that I apparently “never respect her things blah blah etc”. Of course, she couldn’t just ask me if I had taken it, but had to wake my sister by her screeching and barrel into my room to start picking up anything within reach and throwing it around under the name of looking for the lost deodorant. I hate people shouting at the best of times, ad as this was early in the morning, it both annoyed and upset me. After shouting back for a while, I went and took a shower, thinking all the while about how easy it would be to go back to my room in Warwick and not even tell her. a

Number something or other.

I walk car parks and watch smoke rise
in grey lake reflections
and from the cigarette in my right hand.

I think about work;
the world;
and most often, I think about myself-
how hard it is to be someone new,
but how easy it is to be dissatisfied

with grimy photographs
and late nights
and bus tickets and bottles of Smirnoff.

I put one foot in front of the other
and savour the feeling
that I could ignite a dozen fires
and watch this place burn right to the ground.

—

I don’t think I’m in a very healthy state of mind at the moment.

I am not very good at this.

Oh. Everything in my mind is so fragile and fractured at the moment that it’s hard enough forming coherent sentences, let alone putting them in paragraphs. That’s my basic excuse for being a crappy blogger and not posting regularly for a while.

I have more excuses too, a whole bag of them. A lot of the things I’ve been thinking about aren’t really suitable for posting in a public place. Not because they are depraved and interesting (I think I would post those, because of course I crave internet fame), but because they concern other people’s lives. For one thing, I tend to not post things about people that I like or care for, unless they are good or neutral- I especially don’t post their problems. I’ve been trying to lend a shoulder to a fair few people at the moment, but I wish I could help them more. I can’t/ don’t feel that it is my place offer useful advice, but I try to help by promising that I will be there if they need me. Is that enough? Am I enough?

And now we come to my own life. I’m being cryptic here, but I know that I’m on the verge of making a big mistake, or possibly, big mistakes. As usual, I’m split- “part of me thinks/wants to/ etc… but then, another part…” is becoming a catchphrase of sorts- between what I think and feel. Or, in this case, largely what I feel. I know that although I could find myself in a few fun situations, I’d not only be doing it for all the wrong reasons but it won’t may anything better. In one situation, I would use, and in the other, be used- it’s almost ironic. I think that I just need to find a fine line to tiptoe along for guidance at the moment.

For the next few weeks, my life will mainly be filled with work, even though I have mainly been given short shifts which seem to occupy the majority of the day (1500-2000 seems to be ‘my’ shift now), with all day on Saturday and Sunday filled. Wednesday and Friday shall hopefully be the days for fun and frolics around Romford, London and various other nearby places. I am quite looking forwards to seeing certain friends, and I am sure that outings will be made, drinks will be consumed, and time shall not be used for sleep. Just how I like it then!

I shall end on that hopeful note, with an apology for my strange mood tonight. Let’s hope I make all the right choices, dear readers.

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Resolutions

1. I will not let people walk all over me.