Winter.

Well, Autumn seems to be turning swiftly into Winter, and I find my last day of living here full of rain and cold weather.  I trudged to Romford to renew my young persons railcard, despite the torrents of rain, and got near-soaked, despite my umbrella. After getting some mugshots/ passport photos taken, I retired to Starbucks to dry out, and wait for Michael to collect his shirt. Classic hot chocolate with soy milk, extra hot, in a take-out cup, accompanied by a well read book and a comfortable chair. Mmm- just the cure for a cold and dreary afternoon.

Tomorrow morning, I’ll be setting off to university. Another chapter in my life is starting, and I’m still not sure if I’m ready for it. Literally, I still have packing to do (of course my laptop would be the last thing to go away!), but even though I’ll be there in twelve hours, it still doesn’t feel quite real to me. Good luck cards and suitcases can only mean so much. I just hope that I’ll be able to adapt to new situations and to get on well with new people- it’ll probably be good for me to get out of my comfort zone for a while, especially after spending such a long time at home, doing almost nothing.

I don’t know how I feel about it, but part of me thinks that there are some things here that it would do me good to get away from. A new town, a new room- both without memories of things which meant so little at the time, but bring up almost-painful memories now. I’m afraid of forgetting (indeed, the past few nights, I have lain awake for hours, fearful that I will forget everything now that the situation has changed), but perhaps not having the past at the forefront of my mind is healthier for me. It sounds as though I want to start some whole new life, but that’s not true- as you should know, there is so much I treasure now that I could not bear to lose (namely, certain people in my life).

So here I will end, and here things will begin. I am determined to blog honestly about university; the people, the places, the studies and the sex (or perhaps not!). Look out for me.

Hello, Autumn.

My conclusion about today is that summer is well and truly over. While walking outside, the air had a refreshing Autumn bite to it, and felt clean for the first time in months. Summer in London, whatever the weather, tends to be a stuffy and polluted affair, but the beginning of Autumn is delicious. Although I have a cold, the air cleansed my nose and throat, and cleared my mind at the same time. I love late September and early October- when the sun’s shining, the air is cold, but it’s not bitter. It’s the weather for scarves and jumpers and jackets, and for drinking tea and getting cosy in the evenings.

The only problem with this time of year is that my north-facing room gets very cold. I spend half my time wrapped in blankets or pashminas and always have to wear socks (I tend to spend the summer months barefoot). I’m very sensitive to the cold, and sleep with at least one blanket in addition to my duvet between late September- June.

I mean to get out and enjoy the weather- perhaps tomorrow I will cycle to a park and take photos, linger, and enjoy the Autumn. Almost everyone is at work, school, or university, so I’m left with days of spare time which is currently spent moping, watching television (shame on me), or online. I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking, which isn’t particularly conductive to my being happy. I’m angry with myself for letting arguments occur, and the more annoyed I get, the more these arguments happen. The more I dislike myself for letting things get like this, the more they do- it’s such a ridiculous cycle. Hopefully, with new surroundings, I’ll be able to stop stressing- it’s affecting my health, my looks, and my friendships currently- and things will feel calmer and more normal again.

Edit; I’ve also been missing him.

This is stupid. How am I supposed to sort things out if I don’t even know what I’ve done wrong? If you won’t even tell me what’s going on?

Maintenant, je…

I am very happy with my new laptop. Macs are such fun to play around on, and very easy to use. Before I got it, I was slightly worried that I wouldn’t know what to do at all, and would either royally fuck everything up, or spend the first month with my head buried in an instructions manual. The switch from Windows to Mac was virtually effortless, and today, when I was using my old laptop, it felt like Windows was the ’strange’ or ‘different’ OS! Of course, it’s helped that Matt’s also a mac user, so I can ask him all my stupid questions, the best of those probably being “this is going to sound very silly, buuuuut… how do I eject a CD?” Duhh *hits head on desk*. The only problem I’ve had was that it refused to accept my WEP key as a password when I was starting up, but once I had registered and set up the basics and called the internet various unpleasant names, I worked out how to get it working in a minute. Talking of the internet, AirPort is awesome. No, really. I had full signal half-way down my garden (previously it only really stretched to the patio) earlier today, and detected four networks belonging to my neigbours- some of which I’m sure are unsecured.

As well as a good evening last night spent with Michael (we’re still getting on very well, despite breaking-up, which is fantastic), I had a very relaxing afternoon today, just sitting in the garden with Matt and our Macs. Playing around with things, being nerdy, drinking iced tea, making silly videos and making them even sillier, and talking. One of the things I’ll miss most when I go to university is Matt, especially spending time with him. I know that with phones and the internet we’ll still be able to talk a lot, but it won’t be the same as seeing each other almost every day.

University has suddenly become very real. Whereas before it seemed like a vague thought for months away, now I have enrolled, now that I have bought so much in preparation, now that I have my accommodation assigned, now that I have a Warwick Uni blog and email address… now that it’s just over two weeks before I leave, it’s a reality. Solid, unmovable fact. I have loans and bedsheets and letters and passport photos and chopping boards and bank accounts and all the other paraphernalia that goes with starting university. I refuse to pack just yet though- I still haven’t decided which of my many clothes and books I shall be taking for one thing, and I have horrible images of arriving with dozens of boxes that barely fit into my room whereas everyone else has a single suitcase!

For the next two weeks, I plan to spend time with my friends, prepare my things, and try not to worry too much about the future.

Alors, c’est ma vie.

It could only happen to me… Part I

So, I called the apple store today with regards to buying a shiny new Macbook to replace the “craptop” that I’m currently using. As when I called to check the price, I chose the right number, but unlike the previous call, I was put straight through. A woman answered the phone with an American accent- a real, Southern one, unlike most that you hear in the UK. The line was kind of fuzzy and quiet, which I thought was weird. I stated what I wanted to buy, and she said that she’d “make a cart” for me.  I gave my email  address and she asked for my phone number. I began to give it, when she said “Darlin’, this ‘aint going through the system- it won’t even take your number”. I repeated it, and she tried to enter it again. I’d been a little suspicious at the accent and at the quiet line (which I generally only get in calls to the U.S), so I asked her; “This isn’t the UK store, is it?”.

Her reply; “No, this is for America.”. I don’t know what wires got crossed, or where, but I have to say- it’s the kind of thing which happens to me far too much!

First Aid

Today and yesterday have been generally bad luck for me, especially when it comes to injuries.

On Thursday, I was supposed to be giving blood for the second time in my life… and I would have, had it not been for a nurse who made a few big mistakes. To clarify, I understand that people make mistakes- it’s only human!- but after talking to my mum, who is a nurse, and thinking it over, she made some bad decisions. This all sounds very serious and dramatic, but it isn’t really. The last time I gave blood, I had no problems with the needle; indeed, it felt like the small scratch that the nurse described. I’ve had blood tests and skin tests before, and never had any problems, so I was feeling quite confident as I laid on the stretcher.

The first thing which put me off was the nurse looking at her watch, and then saying something to the nurse next to her about her break. She started the procedure as normal, swabbing my arm and getting the equipment ready, before warning me of “a sharp scratch”. As she inserted the needle, it hurt a lot more than last time, but I thought that I must simply be more tense, or that I had forgotten how it felt. I continued to lay there, opening and closing my fist, with slight pain. The nurse finished with the man next to me, and came over to check how I was doing. She made a small sound, and I looked down at my arm to see that a mid-sized, risen bruise had suddenly appeared. She removed the tape holding the tube to my arm, moving the needle slightly, and a sudden pain rain through my arm. I didn’t say anything about it.

When I was retelling this to my mum, she said this was the point where I should have mentioned the pain, and the nurse should have noticed the bruising. As I had suspected, the nurse has managed to push the needle through the vein, creating a small hole on the opposite side, which blood was now seeping into my arm from. Apparently, it’s one of the most common complications of taking blood or giving injections, but the protocol is to remove the cannula immediately, and either try further up the arm, or on the other arm, if the person wishes to proceed. Of course, I didn’t know this at the time.

The nurse told me that she was going to push the needle past (essentially through) the bruise. The next moment, I felt an almost snagging sensation, and then a feeling as though someone was dragging something sharp along the inside of my vein, one of the most painful things that I’ve ever felt. My mother thinks that the cannula must have got caught inside a blood vessel (I’m trusting her on this one, because I’m not sure it’s possible). I gritted my teeth, and the nurse noticed, suddenly asking me “does it hurt?”. In lowered tones, I replied in the affirmative, trying to keep my face neutral, so as not to worry my friend who was laying on the stretcher next to me, about to start giving blood. She had never give blood before, and I know she was nervous, so I didn’t want her to have second thoughts or to worry about me.

By this time, the bruise had increased in size, and blood had started flowing fast through the tube. I wanted to finish giving blood, but I swear that as more blood left me, the more the pain increased. I’m not saying that it was agony, but it was enough to make me want to cry. The nurse asked me again if it hurt, and when I replied “yes”, she asked how much. My reply- “quite a lot”. I think this was the point that she realised she had done something wrong, and called for her superior. The woman came over, took one look at my arm, and said “___ (nurse), we had better take that out, now”. When she tried to use the blue clicker-thing (I don’t know what it’s called), the needle wouldn’t come out. I guess the bruising was stopping it or something, but she had to remove it slowly by hand, which was also a little painful, although I think it was the shock/ stress that was bothering me at the time.

After they had removed it, I saw a large bruise on my arm, and the arm itself hurt a lot. She applied pressure and apologised to me, telling me to take paracetamol and to avoid lifting or using the arm too much. After putting on a plaster and giving me a leaflet about bruising, she said that if it looked too serious or I had any side effects to go to A&E. Slightly stunned and feeling like I wanted to cry, I walked over to a group of people I knew, including Michael. I briefly mentioned what had happened, and showed them the bruised, swollen area on my arm. However much I may exaggerate in this blog (especially when it comes to gory/ medical stuff- my inner storyteller takes over!), in real life, I have a habit of downplaying things. It’s a habit that comes from having a nurse as a mother- a cold is nothing, and you only get to stay home from school if you physically can not go in and/or you’re very infectious. When I had tonsillitis, it took the doctor forbidding me to go to college for a week for me to stay at home.

I guess that, led people to think that it was just a little complication. I was kind of hurt by the fact that people just brushed it off though, especially Michael. I guess I didn’t really expect or want tonnes of sympathy, but it didn’t really make me feel any better about what had just happened, especially considering that my arm was really hurting at the moment. It kind of upset me that Michael didn’t seem to care about what had happened at all, and indeed, hasn’t even kept his promise to call me today (although I know that’s because he was busy etc, so it’s not really a problem). Matt had arrived just as the procedure was starting, and was sitting, filling out his form. I went over to him, and I guess I didn’t look too good, because he asked if I wanted to leave. He’d been having doubts and was not sure that he met the criteria, so we decided to leave then- at that point, I just wanted to get out of the place.

Almost as soon as we good outside, I started to cry. I didn’t want to- in fact, it was more of an instinctive reaction to the stress, and the pain combined with my worries that I’d had before that day. Matt was amazing though- I’m so glad to have him as a friend. <3 My tears didn’t last for long, but we went to sit by the war memorial opposite so that I could calm down. After that we went for a wander round Asda, the nearest supermarket. That may sound boring, but we’re both easily amused, and can spend hours wandering around the homewares department of Debenhams or my local Tesco. This further cheered me up and distracted me. My dad kindly gave me a lift home from Romford because I felt a little faint and ill, and I spent most of the evening wandering around the house aimlessly. I somehow fell asleep at about ten, and was woken by a call from Matt, which is actually something I quite enjoy waking to, oddly enough.

I’m feeling quite sorry for my arm at the moment- all this typing isn’t doing it much good, and after the injuries today, I think it needs a little rest. Matt and I decided to bake “chocolate, ginger and espresso brownies”. The brownies themselves went quite well, although both of us found them a little strange tasting, probably due to his dislike of ginger, and my dislike of espresso! However, I managed to burn myself twice, quite badly, so my arm is a pretty sight now, with a three inch long bruise from the bodged blood donation, a long burn to one side of it, and a small round burn lower down my arm, not to mention slightly visible old scars. At this rate, it seems that I shall be in a cast by university!

The fragile art of a good excuse.

It’s difficult to blog about the things that matter. I keep writing entries and saving them but either not posting them, or not finishing them. I’ve lost interest in my own life to some extent, preferring distractions to having to think about what’s actually going on.  I’ve been tidying, sorting, playing games and going out, and when I’ve not been doing this, I’ve been reading a lot- currently anything I can get my hands on that is escapist and relatively simple.

Last night I slipped though, writing a long and quite self-pitying email to my friend Skyler which seemed (to use a cliché) to “open the floodgates” to all the things which have been bothering me lately.  All the things which I’d been keeping off my mind were suddenly so tangible on my laptop screen, and as usual when I let myself get caught up in my ‘problems’, I ended up crying. I haven’t written about them, because… well, part of me doesn’t want to, another part doesn’t think it’s necessary, and the rest is too lazy.

I shall post this before it sits for hours, and I end up closing it out of indecision.