The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle

Lately, I have really been concentrating on the future.  While other people are fussing about getting ready for university- sorting out direct debit payments, tidying and sorting their belongings, making arrangements for farewell parties, or worrying about the people or the studies- I’ve been living in the present and going out, or losing myself in literature. I borrowed ‘The Wind-up Bird Chronicle‘ by Haruki Murakami from the library the other day, and have been reading that for most of the time, admittedly slowly and dissected by various other books. It wasn’t much surprise that I thought it amazing; I’m a great fan of the author.  Although the structure of his books is often similar- different characters and events that seem unrelated, then make sense in the end- I’ve read five books along these lines and it hasn’t bored me yet.

This novel was along those lines, but it still managed to leave an impression. It’s slow moving, and although some may find it boring and confusing, with its many characters, these are two features that I adore about Murakami’s writing, and as the hastening of the events as things start to fall into place was, as usual, enveloping and completing. To some extent, I feel as though his books are cathartic- perhaps it’s something to do with how all the pieces fit together so well, to create something so beautiful.

~

I’ve been meaning to update with the events of the past few days, none of them particually exciting, but most of them enjoyable. Last night, Michael and I went out for dinner at ‘Cosmo’ a pan-Asian buffet restaurant. It’s been open for a while, and I hadn’t been there before, but it seems very popular.  We didn’t have to wait for a table, but I noticed that people who arrived later did. I got a slightly bad impression by the fact that knives and forks were laid out on the tables. I prefer eating with chopsticks when it is appropriate, and have a slightly pretentiously low view of people who’ll choose forks instead of them.  It’s very nice inside, with lots of red and silver, two colours which I like in restaurants, and the waiters were very polite and attentive. However, I did feel that the tables were a little close together, especially since they were for two- it wouldn’t be the place to go for a romantic first date!

I keep saying to people who ask that the food is pretty good, and I guess it’s mediocre. A lot of it tasted bland to me, but it was still “nice”. I think I enjoyed the starter and desert more than the main course, although I would recommended the Singapore noodles. I found it kind of weird that a variety of the dishes had celery in, and indeed, while halfway through eating something which I can’t remember the name of (it involved vegetables and flour and, I believe, deep frying, so please comment if you know what I’m talking about) and announcing “celery!”.  We also spotted some Engrish, on the label of the “Triffle”.

From the restaurant, we moved onto a few pubs, where we talked and drank and so forth. I don’t want to go into details, because I know that’s often boring, however interesting they were to the people involved. I did really enjoy the evening though. I never really wrote more about the situation between me and Michael, but, to summarise, we’re just taking things more easily for a while.  Last night was fun and I really enjoyed his company, and I hope he felt the same.

Today, I actually had a day worth writing about.

(But there are so many things I’d rather say.)

Grades and refunds.

As with all other A and AS level students, I got my grades on Thursday. Unlike many, I wasn’t too nervous about it- not because I was convinced that I’d done well or I knew I was doomed to fail, but because I knew there was not much that could be done about the grades. My family were more nervous, for some reason, perhaps because I’m the first one to be collecting my grades. Unlike last year, where one had to go to about five different tables just to collect the results, the college had arranged for them to be in envelopes, with candidate numbers on them to speed up the day. After forgetting the date, and my candidate number, I was given a slip of paper saying what exams I took and my name, number etc, and told to go to the table labelled with my candidate number. I went over to the table, and the teacher started to rifle through the box of enveloped to find mine, before bringing out half a sheet of A4 paper.

“Shiiiiiiiiit. Shiiiiiiiiit. They’ve lost my results. They’ve accused me of cheating. Why does it always happen to me?” ran through my mind, as I was told to go to a table in the corner of the hall. As I got closer, I saw that there was a photographer standing there, with the principal and a few smiling students. Apparently, it was so people who got “exceptional” results (to quote the teacher standing by the desk) could have their photos taken for the college to plaster all over the building on the prospective students’ evening. I was given the A5 brown envelope with my results in, and opened them to shut up Enthusiastic Teacher. I’d initially intended to go find a quiet spot to open them in, rather than the crowded sports’ hall.

“How did you do?”, squealed Enthusiastic Teacher.

I looked at my results, and replied; “Yeah, okay”.

She practically grabbed my result sheets from me, saying that I just had to have my photo taken. I’m not ashamed of getting good results, and I’ll tell people if they ask, but boasting and arrogance embarrass me. To be honest, being good at things embarrasses me a little. Perhaps it’s an English thing, or maybe it’s due to the small amounts of self-confidence I have, but I hate going on about my achievements, and have since I was a little kid. So, naturally (and unlike Becky) I refused the photo, but filled in a form saying what senior school I came from and what university I would be going on to. To be honest, I don’t see why they had to put my results on a separate table- surely a note inside the envelope would have sufficed? Yes, my results are above average, but they are nothing spectacular. Plenty of students achieve the same, and a lot better.

Anyway, here they are, in all their glory.

• A in English Literature
• A in Classical Civilisation
• A in History
• C in French

When I got home, there were two letters waiting for me- one saying that I had been accepted into the University of Warwick, and the other from Transport for London.  To give them some credit, although TfL do tend to mess up, the trains are erratic, and all those other complaints that everyone has heard a million times, they do give very fair consideration to refunds, although this voucher isn’t as exciting as the cheque they sent me last time I made a claim.  This claim was for the day I went for my interview at Octopus, where the central line was in chaos.  I was half an hour late, and not the best pleased.

I’ll be hopefully using it on Friday for my little shopping trip to Carnaby/ Oxford Street.  I have my eye on this shirt, so I’m hoping that they’ll have it in stock and in my size. I need to buy sensible clothes, which are boring.

Hornchurch Library

Yesterday, Matt and I went to visit the renovated Hornchurch Library, and I went again today, to take some photos and return a couple of books. For the amount of time it’s been closed, they haven’t done much work on it. It reopened on the 3rd of August, and according to the Havering council website;

“The new library features:-

• An architecturally remodelled and extended building, featuring a new lift tower, glass frontage and first floor balcony
• An expanded ground floor lending library with dedicated space for teenagers, children and toddlers
• Over £100.000 of new books
• New self service technology to make issuing and returning library books easier
• An extended reference collection, study area and a dedicated information and reference librarian
• A new Public Advice and Service Centre providing face to face access to Council services and information and advice provided by the Citizens Advice Bureaux
• Two new classroom spaces and a refurbished hall to hire
• A range of adult education classes provided by Havering Adult College including Family History, Tai Chi, Yoga, French, Spanish, Numeracy, Counselling and Assertiveness”

I was mainly attracted there by the first point. While on holiday, my passion for buildings and architecture has returned. I don’t profess to know much about them, but beautiful or useful buildings still have a place in my heart. I did like the glass tower and front, and although at first I hated the colour scheme- a vibrant red for the outside and turquoise in the main library, the red has really grown on me. I’ve never been keen on turquoise or blue for interior decoration, probably because they seem so cold. I guess the idea behind this was to make it calm, but it’s easy for calm to become cold. I guess decisions can be made once you (my lovely reader/s) have seen the photos- please comment on what you think of it. When I was taking the photos of the outside of the library, a middle-aged man started to talk to me, about what he thought of the library. He thought the red was pretty eye-catching, and a good way to tell people that Hornchurch Library had changed. He asked me if it was open yet, and I told him it had opened last Friday and that he should check out the inside, although they have got rid of a lot of books. Before he left, he asked me if I was taking pictures for a local newspaper- as if I looked professional!- and shook my hand.

Regarding improvements to the books, I can’t see much. Like when Gidea Park Library was refurbished and they sacrificed half the books in favour of low-down bookcases and open space, it feels like at least a third of the books have been removed. I didn’t see much evidence of new books, either, at least for the adult section. The teenage section has been expanded and dozens of new books purchased, but the non-fiction adult section is a scummy as ever. I don’t know if the problem is the same in other boroughs- it could just be a Romford thing- but it seems that people think that just because they don’t own the book, it’s fine for them to do whatever they want with it. Especially if this involves food. One of the books I borrowed has smears which look like curry, and Matt and I found a nasty surprise in an art book.

Your eyes do not deceive you. That is part of a brussel sprout. I don’t know how long it has been there for, or how it got there, but it’s impossible to deny just how disgusting that is. As soon as I got home today, I washed my hands thoroughly. I don’t like dirtiness or germs at the best of times, but sticky, food smeared books shouldn’t be on the shelves. Most people grew out of behaviour like that when they were three or four.

The new façade- shiny clean glass and bright colours.

Another view of the façade- the bottom floor is the extended library, and the top floor has a computer and workroom, and some class/ meeting rooms.

The interior- blue and cold looking. If I owned a library, it would be decorated in golds, reds and oranges. It would probably be quite overbearing and tacky, actually, so maybe I’d stick to cream.

Books sacrificed for the sake of open space and light. It’s more wheelchair friendly, but the reduction in books is obvious.

And, finally, for all those who wanted to compare what the old library looked like;

I think a refurbishment was needed. The more I look at the old photograph, the more I like the new building.

Keep falling.

Although I’ve only told about three people about it- all of whom are members of this site- there’s no point in keeping it from people, because the more I think about it, the more I realise that it’s not going to be miraculously okay. Basically, my relationship is ‘on the rocks’. Before my boyfriend went away, we had a talk, in which I found out a few things. Namely that he felt like he was obliged to see me, and that I needed to see him more than he needed to see me, and that he’s afraid of commitment. This hurt me, although I was reasonable about it. Of course, this talk was over msn, or I’m sure I wouldn’t have been as reasonable.

Then came the clinching thing; he’s been feeling as though he loves me more as a friend than as a girlfriend. In essence, he’s falling out of love with me.Now, that hurt. In retrospect, it’s obvious. I’ve had to arrange for us to see each other, I’ve been the one saying “I love you” when he’s just been providing the easy reply. I guess that I just didn’t expect him to say it so bluntly, and at that moment. I asked if he thought this feeling would pass, and he said that he didn’t think that it would. In the past week, when he’s been away, I’ve been dissecting our relationship, and I’ve realised how much it has changed. He said that it was our six month anniversary which prompted these thoughts. I can’t understand how a number can make so much difference, and although I didn’t expect things between us to last forever, endings are always painful.

The day before yesterday, a close friend of mine asked how things were between Michael and I. Instead of saying “okay”, I actually told her that things may be coming to an end. She said that Michael had mentioned something about feeling unsure when he was on holiday with a group of friends (including her), about a month ago. This kind of hurt me as well, that he felt this so long ago and had only just told me. In some ways, I’m thankful because it gave us an extra few days together (we were both on holiday for part of the time), when everything still seemed like it was okay, but it almost feels like I’ve been living a lie for the past month.

After our talk, he went away for two weeks. Then, I was hoping that when he returned his feelings would have changed, but now, I guess I’ve realised that it won’t happen that way. I want what will make him happy, and I know that trapping him in a relationship where he doesn’t feel happy any more won’t do that. Yes, I still love him, but I’d rather just be friends than be nothing. I’d miss spending time with him, just sitting in Starbucks or playing video games or lazing around talking. We were close/ best friends before we were together, and hopefully that will return even if things do end. Writing about things like that, does clarify them.

VII

//

Cash, cash, and oh, some other (somewhat) related things.

The most exciting thing to have happened to me today is that I got my shiny new debit card in the mail.  Visa Electron- of course the bank wouldn’t be so stupid to give me a “real” Visa card which would let me overdraw or spend money in a foreign country, but a debit card is a debit card. I’m sick of using cash- okay, it’s useful to always have some loose change to play games in the arcade or spend on sweets, but I’m sure that being able to pay for things on a card will stop quite a bit of my spending. Ie; that on the loose change which gets fed to the DDR machine or the newsagent.

Although, it would be more use if I actually had a job yo put some money into my account. As I may have previously mentioned, there’s a ‘recruitment day’ at Lakeside mall on Tuesday, which I’ll be attending. I should manage to find something then (if I’m not totally unemployable), as I’m rapidly running out of time. There’s a few jobs advertised as starting at the beginning of September, but there’s no point in applying for them as I’ll only be working for a few weeks.  Now, I am going from assuming that I haven’t got the job at Octopus, to knowing. I’ve tried ringing them and I still can’t get through. It’s pretty bad treatment, in my opinion- even if you’re not going to employ someone, you shouldn’t mess them around. An email saying that I wasn’t suitable would have done it. It makes me quite angry to think that I wasted nearly £30 attending interviews and trial days and they can’t take five minutes to contact me.

I’m trying to think of the other things which have been going on in my life at the moment. I don’t want to write about things between me and a certain person in my life. Not only because I don’t want to throw my personal life out over the internet for all to examine, but because I don’t really even want to think about it. I may have mentioned it before in relation to other issues, on either this blog or my old one, but not telling people about your ‘dramas’ makes them seem almost unreal. I don’t know where things stand, so I won’t be talking about them until I do.

In essence- the decision that has to be made, is not mine to make. It sounds so passive, as though I don’t care, or aren’t in control of anything that happens in my life. Neither of them are the case. The person in question knows how I feel.

And that’s all I can write, as I’m already an hour late for a party I’m supposed to be attending. Wish me luck- the last thing I want is to be surrounded by people I don’t know.

DC BOY is at an emotional cross roads between a person he cant live without and a new start

fractures

One of my weirdest habits is that I brush my teeth so that I don’t cry, or to stop myself from crying. You can’t cry when something like a toothbrush is blocking your mouth and making your breathing regular. But now, I always associate the taste of mint and cinnamon with tears and with fragility.

Things are fractured.