College is well and truly over. On Wednesday, I believe, although it may have been Tuesday as all my days are worryingly blending into one, I went into college to get the final parts of my “leavers form” signed. Accompanied by Matt, I paid my outstanding library fines and handed in my ID card before walking through the gates for the last time. I don’t know if I’ll miss it or not, but it does feel like part of my life has just gone; all I have now, it feels a little, is the future. University, employment, both of which are things which have been worrying me lately. Money, especially, is a worry. I just don’t feel as though I’m going to be able to afford university without having to be in thousands of pounds of debt. I know that every student will have some debt from their loans, but I don’t want to have to be living on overdrafts and credit cards.
It may seem like a small worry, but now I have little to occupy my time, all I seem to do is worry. I was talking to a friend of mine, Tom, about this last night, and he said it’s the same for him. Without college, revision, or a job to fill his time, he finds himself wandering aimlessly or just sitting there worrying about things that would have only been minor concerns had he not had so much spare time on his hands. And these worries are affecting my friendships and relationships as well, which I hate.
On Friday night, I went out to the pub with Michael and some of my old friends from school. I’d been out in the day with Matt, and had enjoyed myself, despite the fact that Matt and I are both stressed about various things in our lives at the moment. As soon as I’d got home though, my mood had really dropped, and I’m sure it showed, and Michael didn’t seem in the best of moods. I know that I annoyed him that night, and I’m also fully aware of how irritating I can be when I’m “depressed” (big quotation marks, since I’m simply using a modern synonym for “upset” instead of a medical term). I mainly enjoyed the evening, and my mood started to rise as I drank more. As the evening ended, Michael walked me to the bus stop and we began to talk. I won’t say that we argued, because we didn’t- it was one of those strange, emotion filled conversations where alcohol makes you say uncomfortable truths. I don’t remember exactly what was said, and Michael says that he doesn’t either, and even if I did, it’s private. All I will say was, it did hurt a little.
The next morning, I looked, as my mother said, “down”. I didn’t feel too great, largely due to having a lot of things on my mind- including what happened with Michael the night before, and university- and to a lesser extent, the amount I drank the night before. She had promised to drive me to Romford so that I could see about trying to find work through one of the many agencies there, so while/ after we did that, browsed a few shops, and got a drink in Starbucks, we talked about my worries about university. I’m sure I’ve gone on about them enough, so I won’t bore everyone by typing them out, but suffice to say, my mind feels a lot clearer now.
As we were buying a few bits and pieces in the Tesco Metro opposite my mother’s work, Michael called, and said that he was in Romford, and did I want to meet him. I set off to Wetherspoons where he was eating breakfast, my fingers crossed in my pockets, hoping for the best. When I arrived, Michael was sitting by the front window, as he said, looking hung over and pretty ill. We kissed, and I sat opposite him, and we began talking about the car bomb which had been found. Eventually, we got onto the night before, and he apologised for anything he may have said, as he was very drunk. I apologised as well, and we sat and chatted for longer, after I ordered an orange juice and some chips.
Michael had to go home and prepare for his holiday, so he did that, and I went round to Matt’s, where we talked and whatnot. I can’t really remember much about that day, apart from the fact that I went to Nic’s party in the evening. It was themed “Punks, hippies, mods and rockers”, and was fancy dress. Both Michael and I went as hippies (pictures will be uploaded when my laptop returns- hopefully with a smart new 120gb hard drive), which was easy enough for me due to the fact that my mother is an ageing hippy.
The party itself was quite entertaining, even if I did simply spend it talking to Tom (who dislikes parties just as much as I do) and eating flying saucer sweets, which I haven’t had for ages. Nicolas seemed to enjoy himself, as did the other guests, and although things seemed a little stilted between Michael and I at the start of the evening, things improved towards the end.
The next day, I met up with Matt again, and also went to another party. This time it was Dave and Hannah’s, neither of whom I know very well. Michael and I were a slightly spectacular three hours late, as he was going to the pub with some friends from work, and I wanted to watch the final episode of Doctor Who. Doctor Who was remarkably more exciting than the party, although I spent the majority of it talking about the show- almost certainly demonstrating my nerdiness. I have to say that although I generally hate any television show, movie, or book, that spounts feel-good nonsense about the power of the people/ hope/ love etc etc, I did find myself thinking Doctor! along with the script. I thought it was a good end to the series, and a good continuation of the theme of hope throughout the “new” series’, even if it did seem a little contrived in places. I’m sure that the Christmas gimmick- sorry, special- will annoy me to no ends though, if it’s anything like last year’s.
