Just to say I got my first audience while playing DDR today. <3 Old women appreciate me, it seems.

Amnesia

“Modernity has come to mean amnesia- amnesia about the past, about cultural tradition, about the passions and interests of our own history.”

Simon Goldhill- Love, Sex and Tragedy- Why Classics Matters

Like Adrian Mole

Searching for yesterday’s episode of Dr Who on limewire makes me feel a lot like Adrian Mole searching for ‘Opal Fruits’ (Starburst) in Soho. I don’t care about “cute girls orgasming on webcam”, nor about “nancy going to the doctor for her firsxt gyno exam”… and those are some of the less explicit, and in some cases less illegal, search results.

And, searching on youtube now, I have to comment on how quickly the BBC have got every single video of the episode removed.

DEAD DEAD DEAD

My laptop is broken. I am not happy. Although Michael managed to fix it for a short while, as he’s my tech support. <3

My phone number will be given if you ask, and although I’ll have access to the internet via my sister’s/ the family computer, although I may die from some kind of bacteria living on the ridiculously filthy keyboard that lives with it. I spent about an hour cleaning it today so I could actually stand to use it, which was slightly neurotic but necessary.

Anyway, I’m hoping my laptop will recover, be fixed or I’ll have a new one soon, but until then I doubt I’ll be posting much. ;-; “I crai”

Final

I had my final exams today- three French exams in listening, reading and writing. They passed uneventfully, and although I don’t know how I’ve done, it is such a relief. The best feeling I’ve had for weeks was when I closed my paper, grabbed my stationary, and walked out of the silent exam hall, the first person to do so. I felt physically lightly, like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and neck.

And now, I have a headache. I need to get back into blogging properly, and now I have the spare time to do so, without the guilty feeling that I should be doing something more constructive. On Tuesday, Matt and I went into London to give out CVs in the hope of getting jobs. I handed out more than I expected, so I’m hoping to get a phone call soon, offering me employment. I’d love to work in Carnaby Street especially; the people there are always so friendly and seem to actually enjoy their jobs. Unlike Camden, I wouldn’t have to change my lifestyle to fit in there, also.

Although we went up to London for a reason, I still had a really great time, although the day was marred a little by the small argument Matt and I had on the train home, about him paying for things, me being annoying, and him always telling me what to do and picking at things. Luckily, we both half-forgot that we were annoyed after about a minute of silence. While in Carnaby, we ‘discovered’ an amazing cafe- Sacred. If you’re in the area, definitely stop in there for a cup of coffee or tea. It’s fairly expensive, but worth it, just for the relaxing and inspiring surroundings and friendly staff. I’d recommend the green tea, and sitting downstairs. The green tea was one of the nicest things I have ever tasted. According to the website, it is… A stunning green tea with a blend of Mango Rose, Sencha, Gunpowder, China Wu Lu, Pai Mu Tan, Jasmine, Bockrose, Rose buds, marigold blossoms and cornflower blossoms.

An example.

Lately, I’ve just been feeling lost. Perhaps it’s due to all the changes in my life at the moment- turning eighteen and finishing college as the two largest- but I just feel increasingly like I’m wandering through things, or just letting them pass me by. As I may have said previously, I spent a fair bit of time on my birthday crying. I’m hesitant to say that I’m “depressed” because I know that I’m not. There are plenty of moments where I feel happy, where I feel like I’m part of people’s lives, and valued. I adore Michael and friendship-adore (whatever the word might be) Matt, and spending time with them. Today, one of the highlights of my evening was talking to Skyler over microphone. Despite the fact we couldn’t hear each other that well, it was fun. He has a very nice voice as well.

Today, however, has been a bit of a disaster, and I feel like an idiot for treating Michael as I did. He didn’t deserve it, and  know this, and although I should let it go, it’s sticking in my mind. I’m sure that by tomorrow, I’ll have forgotten about it, but for now it’s nagging at my mind. Not only because I got angry and, as I do when I’m angry, said something I deeply regretted, but because I’m recognising how I used to be, and I’m scared of that person coming back. The blankness, the crying, the getting angry at nothing remind me all too well of how I felt two or three years ago, and I don’t want to go back to that. I’ve realised that I have a capability for happiness, and for once, I actually want to fulfil it. I have the scars to remind me that I’m no longer the person I hate, and I refuse to go back to that.

Perhaps, once the exams are over, things will go back to happiness and confidence. It’s not that I’m unhappy- as I said, there are people and things in my life that make me so happy- but just that I’m feeling… weird. I want exams to be over, and a long, dreamy summer. I don’t want to have to think of work, or university any more, although they’re inevitable.  Three days until I’m free.

I meant to write about today’s events, but I shall, another day.

18

Guess what? Today, now I am eighteen, I did not get asked for ID at all.

I did manage to trip over, flailing my arms and screaming before trying to enter a pub, so the bouncer could have just been trying to avoid embarrassing me further, as I did the job well myself.

We met up at a party…

In a few days time, this sexy beast will be mine. And no, I’m not talking about Michael. ;P

I was browsing in Jessops earlier today while I was in Lakeside as I need a new digital camera, since my old one has now been out of action for a while. I was considering a DSLR, but the price combined with the fact I don’t really need one has been putting me off. I spotted the Fuji Finepix S9600 and was at first surprised at the price- for something that looked like and had a similar spec to some DSLRs I’ve been looking at, it was pretty cheap. I decided to look into it more when I got home, as I’m always suspicious of cheap things.

Anyway, it really does look like this is the camera I’ll be buying. It’s only £240 on amazon, and solves the decision of Point & Shoot or DSLR pretty easily. I’m not a professional, so why should I need a professional camera, and I don’t have £400 to spare to get a cheaper DSLR. It’s also got largely glowing reviews, and a good list of features. The only thing I’m not sure about is the attached lens; I don’t know whether I like the idea or not. On one hand, I’ve never changed the lens on my SLR, and it would save me money as the lenses which usually come with DSLRs aren’t very good, whereas this is. On the other, I may want to change the lens, and I like having the opportunity there. I think that’s my only quibble though, so once I’ve got my birthday money and possibly a debit card to “pay my own way”, I’ll buy it.

The reason for going to Lakeside today was so my parents could buy my birthday present. As my eighteenth is a “special birthday”, they’ve bought me a watch that I absolutely love and which should last me at least the next eighteen years of my life. Here it is, although I’m not allowed to wear it until my birthday. I also bought three tins of instant iced-tea powder from Whittard’s, for myself and my party, although I shall not be sharing the green tea, as it’s amazing and addictive.

Regarding my birthday, I’m not very… happy… about it. So many people are unable to come to the party that I’ve finally got the courage to have that it’s actually become quite demoralising. I know they’re working or have something else to do, but I can’t help but feel a little like I’m not important enough for people to make an effort on my behalf. I know it’s not true, but things like this do push my confidence down, and it’s one of the reasons why I was doubting having a party. There’s still a fair few people going, and I’m not going to count the amount of people who aren’t attending that I’ve invited, but I suspect it’s somewhere between a quarter and a third. And, on my actual birthday, I have no idea what I want to do. I did say that I wanted to go out, but I know that I won’t like the crowds and there are no pubs or clubs around here that play the kind of music I’d want to hear or have the right kind of setting.

I don’t think it helps that I’m falling back into all my old habits. I’ve been reading a lot lately, partly for the escapist value, and partly because it’s something to fill up my time with. My sleeping patterns, or lack of, are contributing towards this. Last night, although I signed offline at about one thirty, I read (Harry Potter of all things! Such comfort-reading) until some early morning hour. I’m not sure when, because I fell asleep while reading, in my clothes, but it must have been at three or four. Anyway, I woke at seven, needing to use the bathroom, and changed into my pyjamas, to learn that my dad was taking a shower. It felt really weird, changing into nightwear while everyone else was getting ready for the day, and I was barely awake and hurting in my shoulders, back, and inexplicably, legs, so I fell asleep again, not waking until eleven. I should get into a healthy sleep pattern, but it just isn’t working.

I have other things to write about, but I talk and think too much about myself. I’m going back to reading Harry Potter and the Half- Blood Prince, although there’s so many more constructive things I could be doing, such as revision.

I’m lonely, or perhaps I just need a job to fill up my time.

And bulletproof.

After my lucky day a couple of days ago, where I found £10 on the floor, bought a scratch card with the money and promptly won my money back, luck seems to have turned on me. Maybe it was presumptuous to blog about how things are going well, as the bad-luck fairy has visited me today. Fingers crossed for my exams on Monday, everyone, and someone, please distract that bad luck from me.

Yesterday started to go badly after I’d dropped Michael back at work. I’d met him in his lunch time and we’d spent a very pleasant hour just wandering about and getting a (soft!) drink. I got to the bus stop, and as the bus pulled up, I put my hand in the front pocket of my bag to search for my oyster card. It wasn’t there. I let the bus go, and started to look through the rest of the bag, getting more frantic as I went. It wasn’t there. I could feel panic rising, but I breathed in slowly, and decided to retrace my steps, asking in the shops I’d been in. The photography store were very sympathetic and wished me luck in finding it, but The Goose pub was decidedly less so. I actually caused quite a scene in there, unfortunately, so hopefully if I do decide to go there on my birthday, the staff will be different. After looking where Michael and I had been sitting earlier (my last hope, to be honest), I went over to the bar to ask if anyone had handed it in. As I stood there, a security guard came up to me, and tapped me on the shoulder (are they even allowed to do that?). I turned around, and he asked me if I had ID.

Obviously, I didn’t, so I said to him “oh, I’m not buying anything”, hoping he would leave me alone, because the last thing I needed was an altercation with a tall and burly security guard. He asked me again if I had ID, and, slightly more annoyed, I replied “no, but I’m just making an enquiry”. He said “You don’t have ID?”, which annoyed me even more, as I started to feel the panic I’d suffused earlier kick back into my chest. I snapped “No, but I just need to ask one quick question, and then I’ll be going!”, which I thought was perfectly reasonable. The guard started to frown and rose his voice a little, saying “If you don’t have ID, you’ll…”. I turned around to face him, and half-shouted “This is more important than ID! I will be asking. one. single. question. and. then. leav-ing!”.

By now the bar staff are looking at me, as are the people sitting around the bar, and the woman closest to me asked politely if I needed any help. I explained about the oyster card, trying to keep my voice level, and then calmly walked out past the security guard when she said that I hadn’t been handed in. I think there must be something about me and security guards which just doesn’t agree. In the past, a security guard/ police man has made me so angry that I shouted at him and he (and my friends) thought I was about to hit him, by accusing me of under-age drinking just because I was holding someone else’s bag which had a bottle of alcohol in it. This time, I would have been far more polite if I didn’t feel like I was going to start crying and hyperventilating any second, which is a little different.

Anyway, later that day, bad luck struck again in two forms. The first was putting my hand inside my bag to get my phone and instead getting over a centimetre of ‘propelling pencil’ lead stuck in my thumb, a simultaneously hilarious and painful event. It was hilarious in that as I pulled my hand quickly from my bag, the entire pencil came with it, and remained sticking out of my thumb. The more painful part was having to pull it out and bleeding, making me miss my bus, then my train. I was going to meet Rachael and her friends to celebrate her birthday with a trip on The London Eye, but ended up being late after both the main line train and the Jubilee line were delayed.

The London Eye itself was pretty awesome. It was pricey- £22.50 for pre-booked fast track tickets- but we got a snazzy brochure and to skip two fairly long queues, something which I’m not complaining about! I used up an entire film while up there, and I hope some at least will be worth the money. We were lucky to get a clear day, and the views stretched for ages. On the way home, bad luck struck again- for some reason one trains weren’t running from Stratford, so I had to go back on myself and take the District line instead, prolonging my journey. I also ended up with a creepy middle-aged man sitting opposite me and staring at me from West Ham to Hornchurch. I was tempted to move or ask him not to, but he was creepy, and staring isn’t as bad as having people start a fight/ make lewd propositions/ try to convert you as usually happens when I take the District Line alone.

Today, I’ve been revising ineffectually and dreading my exams tomorrow. A three hour English exam is no way to start a week, although there will only be five days till my birthday.

Edit; I forgot to mention my new toy- a “notebook docking station and cooler, with integrated USB hub and card reader“. I’m surprised it actually works for something £30 from Maplin that is obviously cheaply produced and imported, but I do so love items which are many things at once.

fin.

oh, i like your magic.
she said as three floors shook beneath us
and i took her hand and produced
four credit cards, a worried sparrow
and the watch she’d lost two weeks ago.