Ten things about me…

that you may not have previously known.

i. I’m obsessive about organising things, especially books; they’re alphabetised, and I nearly panic when they get out of order.
ii. I can usually only remember numbers if they’re set to a tune. The PINs for my bank cards are set to “When the saints go marching in”.
iii. I have problems remembering people’s names, and therefore live in fear of a teacher making me hand out things.
iv. I’m a hoarder and can’t bear to throw things away.
v. I hate travelling by coach, as it makes me feel nauseous, and even worse so if I sit next to a window.
vi. I love people almost unconditionally; it’s both a blessing and a curse.
vii. I’ve never had a job or a relationship that has lasted longer than six months.
viii. I only sing when I’m alone, and very very occasionally in front of someone I trust a lot.
ix. I always make my bed, despite the untidiness of my room.
x. I rarely finish anything I start- especially collages and stories.

Only with you…

do I want to be part of the flow.

–

That song was playing in my head the entire time of my bus journey home tonight. I like public transport at night; although you have the drunks and the crazies, it’s quiet and dark and a place to think. The 365 driver was slow and sensible, unlike the ones that often drive the last bus, who speed away, often disregarding all traffic control measures. Although it meant I was longer getting home (I was an hour or so late already, having said I’d be in before twelve and not arriving until one), I didn’t mind it.

After all, all there is at home is my room, with it’s mess and distractions, memories and sleep.

Daily ramblings.

Why is it that when I’m doing badly at college, I go to all my lessons?

I’m not sure why, to be honest. College bores me, the lessons bore me or upset me, and I don’t feel like I’m learning anything. I suppose it’s preferable to sitting at home, alone, thinking though. There are so many people who’ve stopped coming into college at this point though, Michael being one of them. I guess they’re feeling the same disillusion with education and boredom that I am, but they decide to not go into college.

I’m never sure whether going into college is a good thing for me or not when I’m in a mood like I’ve been for the past two weeks or so. I keep getting bad grades, and worrying about college and university and money and friendships and relationships, and everything else in my life that doesn’t fall under one of these categories. I guess the reason why I go to college when I’m feeling like this is not only because people distract me, but it’s routine. Routine doesn’t need you to think, just to follow it, and it’s reassuringly solid.

The thing that god me thinking about this today was the grade I got for my English coursework. I know it wasn’t fantastic, and I don’t think I really expected to get an amazing grade, but I only achieved 14/20- a mid grade B. It was a bit of a kick in the teeth to be honest, and I haven’t really been myself all day, although I’m trying not to let it gt to me too much. I really hope I get an A grade on my class civ coursework, or I will be upset, because that’s the subject I shall (hopefully) be taking at university.

Class civ did cheer me up quite a lot today though. There’s a guy who has been annoying me recently, for a variety of lessons. He’s not a horrible person, or someone I particularly dislike, but he has certain traits that make me want to grind my teeth. He’s very arrogant, firstly, and seems to believe that he’s some kind of classical genius. His interpretation of something is always right, and he desperately tries to use intelligent language to put it across. He’s the worst type of pretentious, very right wing and has a nasty, slightly misogynistic streak to boost.  I rarely contribute to discussions in class because he’s always jumping in with his knowledge about wars and tired interpretations.

For the past two lessons, I’ve had to work in a group with him, and he hasn’t listened to one thing that I’ve had to say. I’m not sure why; the points I make are just as valid as his, and often more-so, and the fact I achieve higher grades than him proves this. Anyway, today we had to hold a debate, with the class (of six, today), split into two, each arguing that women play a more prominent role in The Aeneid or The Odyssey. I love debates, especially ones about pet topics of mine, such as women in Greek literature (coincidentally, something I’d like to specialise in), and it’s one of the few times I’ll speak in class. I’ll get all het up and happily angry, and argue away for ages, thinking of points as I go. Anyway, we won, although we had what I would consider to be the best epic; mainly through my efforts, rather than Jason’s pretentious hemming around the real issue.

The 248 bus was still on diversion around our normal stop, by the station, so Rachael, Amy and I decided to walk to the stop in Hornchurch rather than waiting at the crowded college bus stop. I was hoping that I would be able to top-up my phone credit before the money in my bank had cleared, but no such luck. I owe a few people money, and I bought a couple of things on amazon, so I need it as soon as possible. Anyway, we saw Michael at the bus stop; he had been in MacDonalds and must have seen us outside and come to say hi. He’s had his hair cut, and I was initially worried that it would be too short, and that I’d magically be not attracted to him or something ridiculous, but it actually looks good, pretty cute. I think I like I better than his old hairstyle; maybe I’ll post a photo if he lets me take one of him tomorrow. Anyway, although I didn’t see him for very long, it was still nice. I do miss him when I don’t see him for a few days. Now he doesn’t come into college I don’t even have the chance to see him at break or lunch, which sucks a bit. I thought of asking him round to mine, but he was with friends, so I didn’t want to have to make him decide.

Anyway, I’m rambling, so au revoir. I’m off to lay down because my neck is so painful that my vision is going slightly blurry.

Good intentions

For all my good intentions, I’m behind again with college work. Why does this not surprise anyone?

“I’m not easy going, I’m just used to being let down”.

Something someone said to me a while ago. I keep meaning to use it in writing or something, so here we go.

–

I’m not quite sure how to describe today. I’m sure it could be described as a day of disappointment, mainly academic.  I was woken at 6:45, feeling like I’d only been asleep for five minutes, although it was more like six hours. My dream had only just started, and although it wasn’t exactly a restful or even happy dream, it’s better than waking up to a grey Monday morning. The morning was uneventful, and I arrived in college early, new shoes on my feet, tired and not expecting it to be a good day.

English consisted of getting back half of my mock exam grade- only a B, and this was the half of the paper that I felt I did well on. I’m dreading receiving the next grade tomorrow, because I’m sure that I’ll have failed it, just as I did history. Leading on from that spoiler, my history grade. I thought that I’d done passably well on that exam, even though I hadn’t revised, but that obviously wasn’t true. I only got a D on it, a real shock for me, and a grade that I’d consider to be a failure if I only achieved it in an exam. I know it’s a terribly elitist attitude to have, and that any grade above U is a pass, but it still made me so upset that I actually felt sick. I know I worry too much, but academic subjects are all I’m good at. I’m used to getting As or high Bs, and, to be honest, failure scares me.

It really did bring home to me the liklihood I have of not getting into university, if I don’t achieve good grades. Even my reserve choice needs three B grades to get in. If I don’t achieve that (which seems sickeningly likely at this moment in time), what do I have left to do? In fact, what do I have left?

I know I’m overreacting, and that with revision, I’ll be fine, and I should achieve at least B grades in my three main subjects. I just got more het up about it in college as the day progressed. I wish Michael could have been there, because for some reason I don’t tend to worry about the stupid things like that when I’m around him. I know I dump a lot of my silly ‘problems’ on him, and can be a clingy, needy, melodramatic idiot sometimes, but I’m happy around, and with him.

At least when I got home, a letter was waiting for me, containing my long-awaited tax rebate of £146. It’s not much really, but to me, it seems a lot, especially since I haven’t had a job for a while and like to spend money. I mean to save it for my holiday in Paris Cornwall, but I know I’m going to spend it on useless things like CDs and clothes and games, or if no, just watch it shrink gradually from when I take out £10 to buy some food, then to go to Starbucks, then to lend someone money, then to buy a pack of hairclips…

Talking of jobs, I handed in my CV to Caffe Nero in Brentwood yesterday, before paying a quick visit to Matt in Starbucks, and watched him expertly make drinks. I’d like to go along and watch him and chat for a while some time soon, but I don’t know how the customers and his colleagues (especially his manager) would react to that. I hope something comes of my job application though. The woman looked positive, so I’ve got my fingers crossed and touching wood.  I didn’t think about how I was going to get back to my mum’s car with my grande green tea unsuspiciously, as I had to walk past Caffe Nero on my way back to the car holding a big takeaway cup of tea. I ended up sneaking past, trying to hide the cup behind me, or any obstacle in my way, which probably made me look even more suspicious, to be honest.

Vagueness and a weekend.

For the first time in a while, I wrote a “real” entry for this. Not an apology on not blogging for ages or a load of babble. I didn’t post it though; mainly because what it was about was swiftly corrected. The few of you that know (and, that must be two or three, at the most, and only those who are in no way connected to the person or the situation) will understand why I’m not going to post it, as will the person it was partially related to.  I don’t believe that everyone needs to know about it, and it’s sorted out now. I’m happy and secure again, something which I don’t often say, but it’s still true.  I guess, to some degree, it’s because it’s so easy for such vague concepts to be shattered, even if it’s only for an hour.  It’s sad that it’s not so easy for them to be rebuilt. I’m terrible for holding emotions and thoughts in and not telling people, until everything collapses.

Maybe it’s pride. I know, earlier in the year when I was struggling with college, I didn’t ask people for help when I should have because I perversley thought that I could sort it all out by myself. The thought of saying something occurred to me many times, when people asked if things were okay, or wanted an explanation for why work wasn’t finished or I hadn’t turned up to any lessons, I’d just say that things were going alright, it was just a minor setback, I’m just unmotivated or lazy.  When I finally got over my pride to go and see the teachers and tell them that I hadn’t even started the work, they were understanding, and I have managed to get it all done. I completed my final piece of coursework on Friday evening, and now all I’ve got to work towards is the exams.

I’m glad that I did say something about the events of Friday to the person in question (oh so vague!), even  if I could have done it in a better way. As I previously mentioned things are fine. I know I always say that, but this time they are. I’m often too scared of ruining a good thing that I’ll just sit back and be unhappy, but I haven’t been doing that, and the “good thing” in question is still fantastic. Not that there have been really any problems to get in the way of things. Just my over-thinking, for the main part.  Sometimes I wish I could just switch my brain off and get on with things, because it can often be more of a curse than a blessing.

Anyway. On Friday evening, slightly more cheerful, I went to a quiz night with Matt and Michael. Although it would have been better if we could have all sat on the same table, it was still an okay way to spend an evening.  I aced the surprise round, which was on “Shakespeare”, but generally failed in the others, haha. After the quiz night had finished, the three of us went to Tescos to get Michael phone credit, and then walked back. I think I was really quiet. The earlier events, and all the work I’ve been doing had tired me out, and I can’t have been exactly scintillating company. After I’d dropped Matt and Michael off at the bus stop, I took a long walk back, just to think about things.

Anyway, I fell asleep at about half twelve, just by laying down on my bed for a second. Michael had left his phone round mine, and  a girl that disliked me phoned him (I think I told Michael. If not, and you’re reading this- I intended to say she called), and didn’t sound awfully pleased when I answered it to say that he didn’t have it with him. Oh well. I was polite and even nice. It did seem a little weird that she was phoning past midnight if she said it wasn’t important, but oh well.

On Saturday, I finally got round to going shopping for some new shoes.  After travelling up to Carnaby Street, I got a pair of black Vans slip ons, and some smart flip-flop type shoes from Office. With a 15% student discount, which meant I saved nine pounds. I also dragged my mother into Muji and bought a grey jumper that was reduced down to £10, so I had a pretty bargainful day.

I’m going to round this up now, because I’m becoming boring and I need to take a shower, so I can go and hand in a job application to Caffe Nero in Brentwood, something which requires travelling for half an hour either way. *sigh*

I haven’t posted a blog for ages. I phrase it this way because I’ve written them, and either saved or deleted them. Somehow I always go off on some miserable tangent, rather than anything vaugley meaningful, or in some cases, coherant.

I’m tiresome and tired.

New toy

A new toy arrived for me in the post today. I heard Merlin, my cat, scratching on my front door as I went downstairs to get a cup of tea (green, of course), and when I opened the door I was surprised to see a small, brown papered package nestled in the corner of the porch. I’m assuming that it was delivered while I was asleep, after my family had left. Anyway, I noticed it was from Hong Kong by some rather gorgeous stamps that I’ll be keeping, and realised it must be my Holga .

I’m still taking photos on my cell phone, sorry. I should really get my digital camera fixed, but there’s the whole money aspect. My attempts to find a job have so far failed, and I keep spending way too much on going out and buying food. I need to buy phone credit, film for three of my camera (the new holga, the slr, and the polaroid), I’m supposed to be saving for a holiday, and I owe various people money.

Anyway, I didn’t wake up today until 13h. My mother woke me up at about 10h, to tell me that the family were leaving, and to check I didn’t want to go with them- they’re off to Canterbury. If I’d had film in my camera, or my digital camera was fixed, I would have gone with them, but I didn’t see much point in being outside. I swear that I’m turning into some kind of a recluse. It’s not that I don’t like people; just that I don’t see any reason for going out. I’ll go out to visit someone, but that’s about it. Recluse is not quite the word I want- I adore the company of people, and need it, but I can easily stay inside for days on end.

This entry is so jumpy, but there was something else I wanted to write about. My sister has entered a modelling/ beauty competition; “Miss Teen Queen UK“. She’s through to the third round, and I’m pleased for her that she has got this far. She has to go and have a photoshoot done, and is excited by that, as she’s wanted to be a model ever since she’s been a small child. However happy I am for her, though, I can’t help but have doubts about the whole thing. I doubt she’ll win, and I know that will inevitably upset her, and probably damage her self-confidence, and as her (stereotypically protective) older sister, I want to protect from that. Maybe it’s my feminism, but I can’t help but think it’s all terribly shallow and stupid. Even the name sickens me; “teen queen”. Just like the vapid magazines that tell one what type of lipgloss guys like best.

But don’t listen to me. I was talking to Matt on the phone this evening, and after he had told me about work and everthing, I mentioned that I had washed Merlin’s chin today. His reply- something along the lines of “you really need to get out”. I’m turning into a mad cat lady before everyone’s eyes.

A cross.

So yes, I went to get my hair cut today. I haven’t had it cut for about a year and a half, and it was pretty long and was getting split ends and stuff. Anyway, the hairdresser managed to completely fuck up. Okay, it was an alright cut, but not what I’d asked for at all. It’s too short and fluffy, and makes me look young.  It didn’t suit me at all. I managed to salvage it a little, wen I got home, shoving mousse on it, pushing the (frankly hideous) fringe to one side, and putting clips in it, so it’s not unbearable.

This is what it looks like now;

I don’t like it ._.  In it’s prior form, it made me look like a cross between Hermione Granger and an irate poodle. I don’t think the hairdressers has experienced the phenomenon that is my hair. Cut it past a certain point, it will be manically curly, rather than in controlled waves. It’s surprised hairdressers before, and even surprised me when I cut my own hair a few years ago from hip to shoulder length. I remember going downstairs and saying to my sister “it’s…. curly…. 0_0″, and us both being shocked, as I’d had straight hair, with only a slight wave in it before that.  It’s also ridiculously dry, and will frizz up if put near even the slightest source of heat, let alone a hairdryer, yet doesn’t dry for ages. The hairdresser had to get three loads of “serum” when she only usually has to use one.

I’m annoyed, to be honest. I basically wasted £40 ($80), and I’m stuck with a hairstyle that, although it could be worse, I dislike.