30 12 2006

As usual, I’ve left blogging for so long that I have way too much stuff to write and I just get perplexed as to where to begin. I was going to write an update a few days ago, but I ended up only writing two sentences before I got annoyed/ upset by an msn conversation about university. It’s really starting to stress me out that I don’t have offers from either of the unis that I want to attend, because I know that if I get stuck in one of my second-choice ones, I’ll know that it was second choice and that’ll get to me.

I’m staying round T’s house at the moment, which is good in some ways, but not so good in others. I really enjoy spending time with him, but I feel like I gave him some bad advice yesterday that I know made him upset in the end. I hope he manages to sort things out with the person in question today, I really do. It’s kinda stupid how one of the reasons I came to southend was to get some space away from all the things at home that are on my mind, but it’s actually given me more things to think about, ironically.

The night before I went, I and M ended up having a… strange? Not quite the right word. conversation, about the events of last Saturday. I would write about it, but I’m trying to avoid that until I’ve sorted stuff out in my mind.





Festive? Yeah, right.

25 12 2006

Merry christmas? Unlikely. Well, it’s not the fact that it’s not merry, because most of my family, after drinking copiuous amounts of wine with dinner, seem to be managing that rather well, I just can’t seem to get into the spirit of things. To be honest, there are so many ways I’d rather spend my day than being polite around people I see less than once a year. I am trying, despite what people may think, but it’s exhausting. My family are lovely people, I guess, but I just don’t really know any of them that well, and I always feel kind of left out.

I guess what I’d really like to spend christmas doing is just being with the people that I care about, rather than the people I’m supposed to but don’t really.  Christmas doesn’t mean that much to me, probably because I never really enjoy the day. If I did, I’m sure that it would be something that I would look forward to, something that would be a positive rather than the negative it feels like now. I swear, my mood is getting steadily worse and worse throughout the day.

I wish christmas was over, because all these arguments and fake jokes and pretending to be happy is doing my head in.





Because I swear that I’m dying, slowly, but it’s happening…

24 12 2006

… So if there is a perfect spring that’s wating somewhere, just take me there and lie to me and say it’s going to be alright.
Latley andgreyskies has been;

messing things up again.

FIN.

Enjoy the holiday season, with more luck and panache than me.





I fell for the promise of a life with a purpose…

23 12 2006

My life at the moment seems to consist entirely of work, then sleep, in what seems like an endless cycle. I know I’m making a fuss about not really much at all; my job’s pretty good and I generally enjoy it, but I haven’t had the time to do anything like finish wrapping my presents or get some real time to myself. At least work finishes on the 27th. As previously mentioned, I’m going to stay round T’s for a few days. Although he’s going to be working, it’ll be good to spend time with him. It’ll also be nice to get away from Romford/ Hornchurch for a while. I’m not a particular fan of Christmas, so I guess it’s good that I’m spending most of it working.

I had a slightly weird conversation with M last night, when he was drunk.

Here’s an extract;

23/12/2006 00:36:05 ~0042 started getting more sober yet?
23/12/2006 00:36:10 M slightly
23/12/2006 00:36:23 M I dunno if I should dtill talk though lol
23/12/2006 00:36:34 ~0042 haha.
23/12/2006 00:36:42 ~0042 yeah, you may cause problems for yoursef.
23/12/2006 00:37:05 M You think it’s wise to talk to people when you’re druink?
23/12/2006 00:37:19 ~0042 Nope.
23/12/2006 00:37:29 ~0042 You generally say things that you don’t inetend to.
23/12/2006 00:37:39 ~0042 Or, exagerate things.
23/12/2006 00:38:08 ~0042 But, sometimes it can be good, purely for the reason that you say things that you may intend to hide.
23/12/2006 00:38:26 ~0042 and they could have good consequences, rather than the bad you thought.
23/12/2006 00:39:10 M cross you fingers and hop it’s the case this time
23/12/2006 00:39:46 M ah
23/12/2006 00:39:48 M no dnt
23/12/2006 00:39:51 M chickened out”

That boy really can be strange sometimes.

Anyway, I’m off to take a shower now. Before I go, although I’ll probably blog before then, if I forget, Happy Christmas/ any other celebrated festival to my imaginary readers (whoever it is from Scotland that’s been giving my page many hits, thank-you! <3). I hope you all have safe, prosperous, fun and memorable ends to the year! ^__^





I dreamt of a fever…

21 12 2006

 … one that would cure me of this cold, winter set heart.

So today was the Christmas meal/ “Natalie’s piss-up”/ general goodbye for the holiday meeting, which was pretty fun. It was at The Bridge, a pub near my college, and loads of my friends were there. It was nice to get together and to wish people a happy Christmas and say goodbye for the term, and a good way to begin the holidays, I guess. There’s not really that much to say about it, to be honest, because I doubt it would interest most, or any, of my imaginary readers.

The new Christmas event on gaiaonline is annoying me at the moment. I’m only on there for the items, but christ they’re taking a long while to get. At hallowe’en this year, I’d got two of them already, and it was a lot more difficult to get them. I think it’s worthwhile though, because I can see the Stars going up by quite a lot of gold. I’ve already bought one set, and might get some more tomorrow morning (when all the American kids are asleep, muahaha). I’ll probably be horribly wrong about this and end up broke with lots of useless items, but oh well. Someone will want them someday.

Part of my mind says that I really should be asleep now, since I have to be in work by nine tomorrow morning, but another part (that’s currently winning, to be honest), cannot get to sleep. My sleep patterns are so erratic nowadays, I’ll just sleep in short naps of half an hour to three hours instead of the whole night. I get tired at really stupid moments as well; like when I got back from the pub today I basically just fell asleep after being at home for half an hour so, and woke up feeling really shit. I still feel like that, actually; I guess I’m just getting a cold, but the fact I’m allergic to almost everything really isn’t helping.

I’m annoyed at my mum, the doctors too. Whenever I try to book an appointment, their bloody system is either too busy, or not working, probably since I keep ringing after everyone has finished work or school. Whenever I ask my mum to, it’s the usual scenario of she says yes, and then doesn’t, and nothing ever gets around to happening. My allergy test will probably never happen either, since I’ve heard nothing from Guy’s Hospital. I really want to find out why I have all these shitty allergies to be honest. I know there’s all the things of being whatevered (vocab malfunction!) to them when you were young, and modern life- heating, carpets, detergents, etc. But, why is it me that has them, instead of them being equally shared around my family.

A new word, retalied to allergies- Atopic- meaning a person who has a predisposition to having allergic reactions. ie- me. >_<;; I’m just hoping that someone invents a cure sometime soon.





I wish I could speak in just one sweep…

18 12 2006

 What you are and what you mean to me.

For once, I’m happy about underestimating something. As you may have noticed, I stuck a counter on my page, and estimated that it would start at an optimistic 200. When I checked my profile, it was actually nearer to 250! Thanks a lot everyone. ^_^ Feel free to comment and stuff.

Anyway, I ended up staying for French in the end, mainly because I wanted to spend my free with friends, especially R. It’s stuff like that which makes me glad that I went to college, rather than staying on at school. It’s definitely the people at college who keep me going there, especially due to my whole disillusionment with things at the moment. I’m not saying my life isn’t good, because compared to many people’s, it’s great. Things just seem predictable, that’s all.

I think I may have blogged about this already, but this stupid disillusionment is all down to a notice on the notice board at work. It was saying that there were two jobs in Lush shops in Holland free. You needed to be able to speak fluent English and at least one other European language well, and be willing to learn Dutch. It got me thinking about how I’d like to do that. Just to get away to somewhere where nobody knows me, somewhere where I don’t have to do the same things time after time. Somewhere where I can think clearly, without all my stupid worries. Where I can be myself, I guess.

I think that’s why I like staying round T’s so much. Apart from the fact that we get on well, it’s like an escape, even if for only a night, from all the stuff that goes on while I’m here. College work. University. Family shit. All the stupid arguments and dramas that I seem to get myself into constantly. T’s invited me round to his for a few days in the holidays, and if possible, I’m going to take him up on that offer.

And now for a little “fun”. In my old blog, I used to finish off an entry by quoting the first few lines of a book, and I’m going to start it again.

First words…

I did not kill my father, but I sometimes felt I had helped him on his way. And but for the fact that it coincided with a landmark in my own physical growth, his death seemed insignificant compared to what followed.
“The Cement Garden”- Ian McEwan





Shop.Stop.Rant.

18 12 2006

Today is seeming pretty pointless at the moment. I got into to college ten minutes late, to find that my English lesson had been cancelled, which explains why I’m killing time in the IT centre.

So, this is my pointless timetable for today:

Lesson 1: English Cancelled, so a free

Lesson 2: Free

Break

Form

Lesson 3: History (Likely to be cancelled)

Lesson 4: Free

Lesson 5: Lunch

Lesson 6: French Skipping due to lack of coursework

Yeah, doesn’t that fill me with excitement. If History is cancelled, I’m going to be so annoyed that I actually came into college.  I’m a bit pissed off that I wasn’t told that this lesson wasn’t going to be on, because I could have been at home right now, doing my French coursework. I’m definately going to go home after History though, because I want to get it done, and I doubt we’ll be having a proper French lesson anyway.

So. I haven’t blogged for quite a few days, and I have a disappointing lack of stuff to write about. Rad and I went out to the noodle bar near me for dinner a few nights ago which was a lot of fun, and hilarious at points. We were sitting in there for about two hours before they even noticed that we wanted the bill. XD We even made them a bill, saying out deviantart addresses and with loads of stupid pictures on, which the waiter laughed at.  After this, we went and took some photos in the carpark, and played DDR.

<photos here later>

On Saturday and Sunday, I worked, as usual. Nothing spectacular happened, but the shop was seriously busy. Despite the fact I’m trying to kill time, I’m too lazy to write up my evil Starbucks experience (ooooo, suspense!).

Working in a shop really brings home to me the way the population is split. In Lush, although there is a predominace of nice people, who actually listen to what you say and thank you, you also get the opposite. Whether it’s an old woman who thinks you aren’t serving enough, someone that demands ultimate perfection because they deserveit, a kid who comes in and throws stuff around, a teenager that shoplifts, an old man that expects everyone to rush round after him, a family that shrieks as they enter how “rhaaaaannnnkkkkc” the shop smells… there’ll always be the customers that detract from how nice it feels when someone is genuinley thankful for the help you’ve given them, or is patient.

I know it’s sterotypical, but it’s true that it seems to be a certain sterotype that behaves in a rude way. Yeah, predictable, I know, but it is usually the chavs that will make my job a bad place to work. When I was working at the ice rink (as a receptionist, but I also sold tickets etc), people would be damn rude to me, and most of them were “chavvy” that were.   For those who don’t know what a chav is, here is a helpful copy&paste from this wikipedia article.

“The term chav refers to a subcultural stereotype fixated on fashions such as gold jewellery and … casual and sportswear brands. Tracksuits, hoodies, jogging bottoms (known as sweatpants to some) and baseball caps are particularly associated with this stereotype… The term has also been associated with delinquency, the “ASBO Generation”, and “yob culture”.”

I work in Romford, which has a large population of chavs. Usually, I wouldn’t care too much, although it does make walking through the town on s Saturday night fairly dangerous (everyomne knows about the amount of people who get stabbed there).  I’m by no means saying that all chavs are rude and behave badly, but the majority of people who are rude are chavs. Little chavvy kids will come in with their mates, knock things off shelves, throw things around, and mess up any product on show by sticking their grubby little hands into it.

We sell a product called “shower jellies” that are displayed on a stand. They look like proper jellies, and have the same consistency. These children come in, and raketheir fingers along them, pull out chunks of them, and generally make them unfit to sell, making us lose profits, because they look too disgusting to sell.  The older chavs will come in and complain about the prices, shriek out their opions on how bad things smell, demand free samples, drop things and spill things without telling us. Both groups of people will throw litter on the shop floor, and spit out chewing gum as well.

However, this can be dealt with. Ironically, it’s more often the more middle class customers that cause the most problems. The people with a vastly swollen ego are the worst, as they seem to consider themselves somehow abovequeuing. They’ll be the ones who complain if we’ve sold out of something, who will make ridiculous demands like having soap cut exactly on a weight, and them cut into twenty-seven different pieces, all with nice bits in, all exactly four centimetres square, all labelled and wrapped seperatley. And then re-wrapped because one edge is a bit funny. 

Do they not realise that there’s a queue behind them? Yes, they do. Do they care? No, because their little bit of soap is far more important than anything anyone else could possibly buy.

</rant>

I needed that. ^__^ Even though I didn’t intend to get so ranty at the end.





Lack of

12 12 2006

I’ve been neglecting blogging lately (I spelt it right for once. ^^), I guess, because I’ve got a lot of stuff on my mind that I don’t necessarily want to spread over the internet. As I said in the poem I posted on here yesterday/ a few days ago, I’ve been feeling… disconnected. From people, from the world, from myself.  Nothing is real. Nothing has consequences anymore, and anything that does matter to me is like a dream. I forget things and lose the will to do others.  It feels like I’m waiting for something to happen, constantly. I’m tired nowadays too, a lot of the time, whereas usually I’m really awake.  I’m not motivated to do anything. All I do is sit here and play stupid computer games and then I panic for half an hour, but I always go back to not caring. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I really don’t, and I hate it. I hope it passes soon, because I hate life not meaning anything like this.

My history exam is tomorrow. I haven’t done any work for it even, and every so often panic will rise and I’ll get out my papers. Then I’ll just… stop. Do something else (like write this blog). God. I need to work, and I keep saying to myself that I will, but I don’t.

Anyway, I got my blood test results yesterday. My cholesterol is on the low side of normal, thankfully. ^_^ Now I have to book more doctor’s appointments to get a prescription for the pill sorted out.





Nothing is connected

10 12 2006

Nothing is connected. I am snapped wires;
glasses with no stems, a camera with no lens
but a mirror. I see my own reflection where there should be others.
Disconnected. Disarranged
and sometimes dissolute,
I live my life in pieces because the whole view
is hard to bear.

I wish I was older sometimes, on sunday evenings mainly,
so I could see how all this ennui turned out to be.
There are deadlines in the future that creep
up on me. There are deadlines in the past
that swept straight past me.
It doesn’t matter now because I have become
unattached and unattainable
to everyday concerns.

Nothing is connected. I am lacking in nerve endings;
sometimes frantic, but mostly calm
and naïve. I have been sanitised, anaesthetised,
and laid out here for your pleasure.
And I smile with my eyes because it’s a relief to know
that for once
I mean nothing, nothing at all.

—-

This is how I feel at the moment. I can’t quite seem to make anything feel real. Yesterday, I was walkinga round Romford, and it almost felt like I wasn’t walking on the ground, like I wasn’t really there at all. That kind of feeling that you get in a dream where everything is more vivid and more blurred at the same time.

I think I’m getting ill again. I really do.





Break in News.

6 12 2006

The blood test was disappointingly unexciting. probably the only part worth mentioning was the fact that my feet didn’t actually touch the floor when I had to sit right back on the chair. That defiantly brought home how short I am tall the NHS chairs are.

I really have a lack of motivation for anything at the moment. I’ll just sit at home and browse the internet aimlessly or watch stupid daytime TV on abc1. I have my history coursework/ exam to prepare for, and my French coursework to write, not to mention other essays and presentations and shit. I think I’m just in one of those moments where college doesn’t mean that much to me. Neither does work really- I’ve accepted that I’ve basically got no chance of being kept on. Family, I’m just meh. I guess, my friends are all that matter to me at the moment, and that’s only select people. M and T especially; I don’t know what I’d do without either of them.

I was in a stupid mood when I got home from college. All the day my mood’s been a bit weird- probably due to the lack of motivation thing. I also think I’m coming down with a cold, or some kind of illness. Anyway, I asked my mum to chuck the “essential stuff” into my bag this morning. She got my id, my bus pass… but not my door keys or my phone. So, when I get home, there’s nearly three hours until my sister will get home and neither of my neighbours were home. So, I unlocked the garage (it’s controlled by a keypad and electromagnets), went though to where we have a door leading to the small room between the downstairs bathroom and the conservatory and smashed part of the window. I’ve considered it last time I got locked out, but never really did it. I’d left the french windows unlocked by accident, so that was okay. The alarm is bloody loud though when it’s been set off from another room.