Dear you.

You’re inexplicable. I can’t work you out, and I never could. One moment you’re there; the next you’re cold and you don’t want to know. I could deal with this, but you’ll never tell me why. I worry about you. I wish our friendship was what it could be. I wish that you could just trust me enough for once to tell me what upsets you. I wish that I knew what it was, so I could try to help you solve it. And if we can’t do that, so that at least you could share it.

Pull My Hair.

“Pull My Hair”- Bright Eyes

is the passion all gone?
or is it still newly wed?
if all this heat is doing is making us stick to the bed
then there is no life to revive.
but if the hunger is still there, buried somewhere inside
covered up by the boredom we’ve been trying to hide
then dig it up and devour
and it will be more like a song
and less like its math
if you pull on my hair, and bite me like that
and the truth is that i can’t hardly wait
and i don’t care if we stay up too late
don’t answer the phone
don’t answer the phone
and it will be more like a song and less like its math
if you pull on my hair and bite me like that
and the truth is that i can’t hardly wait
it itches so bad that i can’t concentrate
don’t answer the phone
don’t answer the phone
and it will be more like a song and less like its math
if you pull on hair and bite me like that.

I adore this song at the moment, for so many reasons. <3

This weekend has been…

C2C trains, back aches, forgiving, getting to work in less time than is sure, inevitabilities, breaking hearts, arrangements, not doing my classics homework, friendships changed, friendships crossing lines, friendships improving, spending money, laughter, women with hair like Cher, Bright Eyes, Chinese food, and waiting in the cold.

If this were a private diary, I know what I would write. Part of me wants to, before they blur away, because things don’t seem real in daylight. Ha, aren’t I making this seem intriguing, now? I assure you, it’s not really that much.

On Friday evening, I went to Lakeside with my mum. Lakeside’s a shopping mall fairly near to me, and since it’s near Christmas, it was seriously busy. Not as bad as it would have been at the weekend, but still not so good. I did get a couple of gifts, one which will have to be returned due to my damn Aunt C buying the person in question the same present. I think she should take it back, but oh well. I also got the CD “Letting Off the Happiness” by Bright Eyes, which the song lyrics at the start of this journal are from. It was reduced to £6, which I was pretty happy about. M rang me while I was there, asking if I wanted to go to the Bowling Alley with him and some other people from college.

Due to being paid (yay, and see later), I went. I didn’t bowl in the end, and neither did M. It was nice to chat to him though. We then went to the cinema and saw The Pick of Destiny, which wasn’t fantastic, but was amusing. M seemed to find it hilarious though. :eye roll:

On Saturday, it was workworkwork for me. Work was pretty uneventful, apart from two Cher look-a-likes. After that, I was off to T’s house in Southend. It was really good to see him again; it must have been a month. We went and got Chinese food at a restaurant near him, which consisted of him blowing out the candles in the little heater, me getting extra spring rolls which cued jokes about the waiter liking me (0_o), making a mess, and T spitting a sweet into a vase. XD As we were walking back to his house, we were being silly, and T pulled my hair, which was tied back in a ponytail. Some guys were driving along the road, and one of them leaned out of the window, and shouted across;

“Oi, leave her alone, mate!”

Which I found seriously hilarious. Although, it proves my point that I look like a vunerable little fourteen year old. >_<;; Which, I am neither, new readers! When we got back to T’s house, we started watching Shaun of the Dead, but I didn’t see much of it. We then started watching The Corpse Bride, but I fell asleep pretty early on, and T must have fallen asleep while it was on because I woke up early in the morning and stopped the title screen from repeating overandover again. The evening was fantastic, I hope that T enjoyed it as I did, and is still in agreement.

I was intending to wake up at seven, but actually woke at nine. >_<;; I was due in at work at 11.30, and had to get all the way from Southend to Romford. Somehow, I got there ten minutes early, which was cool. I managed to wake myself up with a skinny blueberry muffin and a medium green tea from Starbucks. Work… was okay, I guess. I was pretty tired, and it was a bit of an effort to talk to people, and every so often, my mind would wander to the events of the previous evening. ;P

I made the decision this weekend of what to do about the whole P dilemma. Alright, dilemmas is an exaggeration, but it was playing on my mind. I decided to break off what was happening between us, because it just didn’t feel right. I also don’t want to be in a proper relationship at the moment. My last one ended in tears, and I don’t want the stress and the effort. As in the collage I’ve been making- “brutal pragmatism” is better than “romanticism”.

Now. Paaaaay. I got £140, and I’m left with £40. I’m actually pretty pissed off; I was taxed £40. I shouldn’t be taxed, firstly because I’m under eighteen (did’ja guess?), secondly, I’m a full-time student, and finally this is only a weekend job. Stupid tax office. >_<;; I’m now faced with the task of phoning the tax people and trying to straighten out this mess, and claim back my money, which I need to spend on stupid Christmas presents. The majority of people I’d like to buy them for won’t be able to have one, sadly, due to this stupid thing.

And, what does andgreyskies want for Christmas? Well, she’s had an iPod delivered (30gb, video, black, 5th gen), but she’s not allowed to use it til after the day. Here’s her amazon wishlist, just incase any lovely readers want to send her a token of appreciation.

Anyway, I’ve been neglecting my “first words” section in this blog, so that’ll start soon. We’ve already got a song today, and I wouldn’t want to overwhelm anyone with my quoting power.

Money Problems

So, I’ve sent my mum off with my card and pin number to check how much money I have in the bank, due to the fact I was supposed to be paid today. I wasn’t paid last month, because the stupid assistant manager had somehow managed to lose my bank details (thanks a lot for that one), so I had to borrow money from my parents, and generally be rather poor. I’ve just got a  phone call from her, saying that there is no more money in my account.

Of course, there is a chance that it won’t go in ’til the end of the day, or that it might get paid in on Monday. I can cope with the end of the day; and I guess Monday is better than nothing, but I’d planned to go to Lakeside in order to buy Christmas presents tonight, and I’m going to Southend to visit a friend tomorrow evening. If my pay doesn’t go through until next month, to be coarse, I’m fucked. It’ll mean no Christmas presents for people, not being able to go out at all, not being able to get the few pieces of winter clothing I need.  I’m lucky that I still live with my parents, or I’d be in big trouble.  I already owe then a sum nearing £90, and I won’t be able to borrow any more for two weeks or so, when they get paid.

I’m actually glad that this job is only temporary. My back is constantly aching from carrying boxes and standing, I don’t get on fantastically with my colleagues, my hours are continually being cut, and they’ve fucked up my pay again.

I have an interview for a Saturday library assistant job on Thursday. Fingers crossed.

Sad, but funny.

One of the things that I find simultaneously sad and funny is a certain type of photo found in the dA “horror and macabre” photography section. Every so often, while browsing through it, I’ll come across a picture that some angsty teen has posted, consisting of their wrist/ chest/ leg with writing scratched into it. Most of them are vaguely annoying- they have little to no artistic merit, and I’m sure they’re against the submissions policy- but some of them provoke the feeling mentioned in the title.

These are the ones that have spelling mistakes. I find it absurd how people are prepared to rush into something so tragically hilarious as scarring themselves with something that’s written wrong. It’ll be there forever, for people to laugh at and for them to be ashamed of. Come on, would you like to be branded with the fact that you can’t spell for the rest of your life?

Some examples I’ve seen of this include-

“I waisted my life on you”

“Despare”

“Cut hear”

“I’m you’res”

Two minutes with a dictionary, or the spellchecker on MS Word would have ensured that this wouldn’t happen… if i was in the situation of wanting to cut a word I wasn’t sure how to spell onto a limb, I would at least make sure I’d written the damn thing correctly.  After all, I wouldn’t want people to laugh at my pain, or encourage other people to in their blogs. ;P

(Life updates coming soon)

Monday (morning) is…

… waking early, almost falling asleep in lessons, wasting over an hour just to get a medium green tea, to take away please, telling too much to your friends, missing someone, finding a use for your French planner, feeling guilty, home-made tattoos, reading manga on the bus, aching legs, having the same views as others, review sheets, and doubts.

This is what my monday is. Who knows what Tuesday has to hold?

I have a situation that I seem to be stuck in, where I don’t know quite what my feelings are for someone. Yes, I like him… but there’s part of me that shrieks that it’s just a crush, that it’s unfair because I’m technically leading him on.  There’s friends that say it will all work out fine, there’s friends that say I could do better, there’s friends that know too much and I’m depending too much on, and there’s friends that say to be selfish and do what will make me happy.

But then… I’ve done that too many times. I know that I treat people badly. I’ve cheated on people, I’m hypocritial, I’m manipulitive, and I can do all of this while presenting a near-perfect facade that just shrieks fall in love with me. And that’s what people do. I’m a fool for love, and yet I abuse it so when I don’t feel the same. Then I go ahead and fall in obsession love, and everything goes wrong.

Ugh, I feel so selfish, going on and on and on and on about my silly little problems, while my friends have so much larger ones.

It’s not sunday…

yet, dumbass.

I’ve only just got the hang of the fact that you have to click “publish”, which has made me laugh at myself. As well as asking a friend if they were going to uni tomorrow because in a moment of irrationality I thought it was Sunday today.

Now, to blog about tomorrow, today, and yesterday. In that order, or something equally wandering.
So, tomorrow. I’m working from 13.00-16.30; covering half of a friend’s shift. I’m not really looking forwards to it because work today wasn’t so great. I’m starting to get the increasing feeling that I don’t fit in there, like I always used to. I’ll go off and start talking to customers or cut soap or restock, just so I don’t have to try to make conversation, especially with three people, two of them being my managers and another an assistant/trainee manager. All they do is sit up in the office and talk and eat takeaway. They basically earn money for just pissing around, and I’m going to indubitably be not kept on after Christmas, despite working damn hard. My hours are already shrinking- from working ten or so, when I started, next week I will only be working for four and a half.

The way I said that makes it sound like I don’t like the rest of the people that work there. I do- they’re lovely, but I still feel awkward. I’m too quiet, I’m too cold, my language is too perfect, my vocabulary too large. I also don’t quite want to admit how much the job tires me out. I’m constantly lifting heavy boxes, and I’m on my feet all day. I know I’m whining and people have it worse off, etc etc. But I always come home with my feet and legs aching, and my lower back and neck in pain. Today, I felt as though I was actually going to pass out at one point, for some inexplicable reason. I suspect that it ’s probably lack of sleep and vitamins.

P came into work to see me, and to give me a CD of pictures from the party last night. He then met me after I’d finished, and took me home, which was sweet. I really like him. Heh, it’s stupid. We seem to be in a weird zone at the moment though, in-between friendship and going out. I was discussing it with E earlier, over the phone. It’s good in many ways. Aaaand there I go, with the personal life all over the internet again. Updates on that whole situation tomorrow.

(what’s ironic is that it now actually is sunday)

Anyway, onto the party! C’s boyfriend didn’t end up coming in the end, due to having a new computer game (a reason why you shouldn’t date geeks, there!) , so she came round mine and we ended up being an hour and a half late, due to us hideously underestimating how long it would take us to get ready, and my mum making us eat before we went. The party was somewhere in the depths of Hainault, in a football club. There were less people than I’d expected, but a lot of my friends were there, which was good.

This is what my costume looked like-

I had to keep pulling the underskirt up, and trying to ensure that the top didn’t fall off. However hilarious that would have been for everyone else, it wasn’t really high on my list of things to do. The bar refused to serve anyone under eighteen, and anyone over eighteen without a passport/ other proper ID, so the few people that could buy drinks must have seemed like complete alcoholics. I took tonnes of photos, and have a disc with P’s photos on it also.

A while through the evening, P and I went outside to get away from the loudness of the music playing in the bar. I have this weird thing where I can’t hear really loud sounds very well, and I’d been shouting in order to talk to someone, so without a beak from it I would have had a headache. It was cold outside, so we hugged, and then kissed. We kissed again, and acted coupley for the rest of the evening. As I said, earlier, P came and met me from work yesterday. We’re going to the cinema today, which should be fun.

Woooork today. -_-; Only for four hours though, and then I have some French work to do. :sigh:

Oh so taxing…

Tax forms. >_<;; Nice pun, eh?

But it is seriously the truth. Although I’m a full-time student, somehow HM Revenues and Custom has concluded that I should be working full time and therefore paying taxes. I got a letter from them today, basically asking why I had been earning no money and claiming no benefits. Not that I’m applicaple for benefits, being a student. The people to blame for this confusion are, no doubt, my old employers- Saturn Leisure Ltd, also known as Romford Ice Arena.

Sometime last year, and early this year, I worked there one day a week as a receptionist. To cut a long story short; I hated my collegues and the managers, didn’t feel as though I belonged there, worked long shifts with no chance for a break, and eventually got sacked for “being too miserable”, “not fitting in”, and because I refused to take time off college to do extra shifts. They’ve obviously sent the wrong forms, or more likely- no forms at all.

I swear, I shall not be very happy if they decide to tax me. Not happy at all… especially since I have a long list of Christmas presents that I want to buy for people, not to mention a few bits and pieces for myself.

Anyway, in other “news”, I got my costume sorted for a fancy dress party that I’ll be attending tomorrow. I hired it today from “Cloaks and Daggers” of Hornchurch. I’m going to be Arwen, a character from Lord of the Rings. The dress isn’t quite right, but it should still look good. It’s hilariously too big for me, as the costume is a size medium, with me being generally a size extra small. I’ve got toupee tape of all things in order to stop the top from falling down, and have to wear the skirt hiked up to right under my boobs. It does look good though, and I’ll be posting photos from the party soon, hopefully!

Hello world!

It’s just too irresistable to keep the ridiculously cheery and optimistic title on this. It reminds me, annoyingly, of a poem by Blake about a child called Joy, which in turn reminds me that I have college (and English) tomorrow to contend with.

I’m by no means new to blogging- I’ve been tapping away for years, mainly on xanga, and more recently, diaryland. WordPress seems to offer more customisation, an easier to use layout, and many more features. My old blog is linked here.  This is also a mlot lazier- no more typing html, just a convenient button to tap. Doubtless I’ll still be in the habit of it, though, but I’m sure laziness will overtake pretty quickly. It does with most things, afterall.

I should really introduce myself a little, seeing as this is a new blog, with (hopefully) new readers…

Well, I’m seventeen and five months old- aged enough to get married, have sex, smoke, drive a car, watch 15 rated movies, and numerous other things.  I live in Havering, which is a borough that can’t quite decide whether it wants to be in London or Essex, in a house that can’t quite decide whether it’s in Romford or Hornchurch.  I’m slightly below average height and weight, and slightly above average intelligence, which I hope makes up for it. Heh, I sound pretentious now. At the moment, I’m working as a shop assistant in Lush over the Christmas period, which is good in some ways, and bad in others, like most things I suppose. I spend most of my free time online, playing games, hanging out with my friends, or in Starbucks. Not to mention doing homework… I’m a full time college student that’s fearing the A levels like anyone else my age.

Anyway, I’m hoping to find friends, readers, obsessed fangirls etc on here, and get my writing seen by more people.